Core Value - Trust

“Life is not easy for any of us. But what of that? We must have

perseverance and above all confidence in ourselves.

We must believe that we are gifted for something,

and that this thing, at whatever cost,

must be attained.”

--Marie Curry

Do you know your core values? Sincerely! Have you taken the time to deeply reflect on those values that not only add meaning to your life, but define your life's meaning; purpose? The next several entries will cover several core values of great importance to the writer. The first, to be the focus of this entry, is trust.

Trust is believed to be the sine qua non of values, without which the rest become both of little importance, and unlikely to exist in trust's absence. Anton Chekhov notes, “You must trust and believe in people or life becomes impossible.” Trust is not all that important to getting along in life, you say? Well, the lock manufactures and alarm system companies are doing a great business because of the lack of trust! Trust is so important to the Children's Champion he considers it almost sacramental; sacrosanct. Robbing him of all his earthy possessions would likely cause him far less pain than violating his trust. Each of us has to determine the importance we put on anything and everything that impacts our lives, and trust might not be that high a priority on some people's list. It is on mine! In the words of an unknown author, “Without trust, words become the hollow sound of a wooden gong. With trust, words become life itself.”

Those of us who put such great emphasis on trust believe that it is fundamental to the decisions we make, and actions we take, in our daily lives. Especially when it comes to human interactions and relationships, trust constitutes the main ingredient in such recipes. However, before the reader begins feeling that this expose on trust is awash with Pollyannaish naiveté, here comes one of the caveats that can leave trust hanging over the precipice of regret; vulnerability. There is no denying entering into any type of trust relationship can leave one exposed to the arrows of betrayal, ridicule, embarrassment, and pain. Walter Anderson states, “We're never so vulnerable than when we trust someone - but paradoxically, if we cannot trust, neither can we find love or joy.” Or, as the old Irish saying goes, “When mistrust comes in, love goes out.” Yet another thought on the subject is expressed by an unknown author who states, “Trust is like a vase… once it's broken, though you can fix it the vase will never be same again.”

On a somewhat metaphysical level, T. S. Eliot wrote, “No soul is desolate as long as there is a human being for whom it can feel trust and reverence.” No doubt about it, trust can be pretty "heavy stuff" in a person's life, and can certainly lead one to end up in numberless dead-ends, and constantly taking detours along the path of life.

Although one might mistakenly set to thinking that trust is required of us, or represents a quid pro quo phenomenon, the reality is that trust is a gift. In this regard, Friedrich Nietzsche wrote, “People who have given us their complete confidence believe that they have a right to ours. The inference is false, a gift confers no rights.” But lest one gets too sanctimonious, Nietzsche also noted, “I'm not upset that you lied to me, I'm upset that from now on I can't believe you” Lie betrays trust. Trust spurned, or abused, is akin to someone being given ownership of the Grand Canyon and then deciding to turn it into a landfill because he believes he has no responsibility to acknowledge the value of the gift, its inherent worth and beauty, regardless of its value to the previous owner.

Corporations, executive, judicial, and legislative branches of governments, schools, religious institutions, organizations, groups, and individuals frequently ply the slogan "Trust Me." However, there are way too many instances of betrayal in everyone's life to not be at least a bit skeptical and cynical when those words are addressed to them by someone; stranger or intimate. The following story comes to mind that seems appropriate at this point in the presentation:

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The Scorpion and the Frog

One day, a scorpion looked around at the mountain where he lived and decided that he wanted a change. So he set out on a journey through the forests and hills. He climbed over rocks and under vines and kept going until he reached a river.

The river was wide and swift, and the scorpion stopped to reconsider the situation. He couldn't see any way across. So he ran upriver and then checked downriver, all the while thinking that he might have to turn back.

Suddenly, he saw a frog sitting in the rushes by the bank of the stream on the other side of the river. He decided to ask the frog for help getting across the stream.

"Hellooo, Mr. Frog!" called the scorpion across the water, "Would you be so kind as to give me a ride on your back across the river?"

"Well now, Mr. Scorpion! How do I know that if I try to help you, you won’t try to kill me?" asked the frog hesitantly.

"Because," the scorpion replied, "If I try to kill you, then I would die too, for you see I cannot swim!"

Now this seemed to make sense to the frog. But he asked. "What about when I get close to the bank? You could still try to kill me and get back to the shore!"

"This is true," agreed the scorpion, "But then I wouldn't be able to get to the other side of the river!"

"Alright then...how do I know you won’t just wait till we get to the other side and THEN kill me?" said the frog.

"Ahh...," crooned the scorpion, "Because you see, once you've taken me to the other side of this river, I will be so grateful for your help, that it would hardly be fair to reward you with death, now would it?!"

So the frog agreed to take the scorpion across the river. He swam over to the bank and settled himself near the mud to pick up his passenger. The scorpion crawled onto the frog's back, his sharp claws prickling into the frog's soft hide, and the frog slid into the river. The muddy water swirled around them, but the frog stayed near the surface so the scorpion would not drown. He kicked strongly through the first half of the stream, his flippers paddling wildly against the current.

Halfway across the river, the frog suddenly felt a sharp sting in his back and, out of the corner of his eye, saw the scorpion remove his stinger from the frog's back. A deadening numbness began to creep into his limbs.

"You fool!" croaked the frog, "Now we shall both die! Why on earth did you do that?"

The scorpion shrugged, and did a little jig on the drowning frog's back.

"I could not help myself. It is my nature."

Then they both sank into the muddy waters of the swiftly flowing river.

Self destruction - "Its my Nature", said the Scorpion...

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Trust, and trust building, begins with the individual. The person desiring trust from others must first explore that region of the psyche personally. Granted, learning to trust oneself can have most of the same pitfalls as trusting another, but only the individual can determine if the risk of self-examination, and self-trust, is worth the effort, risks, and paybacks. Golda Meir stated, “Trust yourself. Create the kind of self that you will be happy to live with all your life. Make the most of yourself by fanning the tiny, inner sparks of possibility into flames of achievement.” In a similar fashion, Sarah McLachlan shared, “I've learned to trust myself, to listen to truth, to not be afraid of it and to not try and hide it.” The reader is asked to take note of the connection Sarah made between trust and truth. Truth will be the topic of the next entry, but it is believed important that we note the relationship of the two values as this juncture in order to add continuity between the two values and the entries regarding them.

Ralph Waldo Emerson wrote, “Self-trust is the first secret of success.” We will leave it up to the reader to define success and the importance of success in their individual lives. Our point here is that if you cannot trust yourself, you can hardly be expected to trust others, and in the absence of trust, success, regardless of its definition, is unlikely to be experienced. Emerson went on to write about the opposition and discouragement the individual might experience as s/he works at building his/her self-trust. He noted, “Whatever course you decide upon, there is always someone to tell you that you are wrong. There are always difficulties arising which tempt you to believe that your critics are right. To map out a course of action and follow it to an end requires courage.”

Courage is another value, or quality, to be reflected upon at a later date, but the reader is asked to consider the statement above regarding trust making one vulnerable. Realizing the potential for vulnerability, the person entering into a trust relationship will be called upon to muster some amount of courage. Without the courage to risk becoming vulnerable, it is unlikely that a trust relationship can emerge. The interconnectedness between these fundamental values is nearly as essential as the auricle is the ventricle of the human heart.

So, where do children, and advocating for children, fit into the current conversation. Dead center! Children need to be able to trust the adults in their lives. We see this trust constantly being violated in the form of neglect and abuse, in all of their ugly disguises, in the breaking of promises, in the disregarding of confidentiality between adult and child, in the form of lies, and in all the forms of betrayal that bruise and erode the adult-child trust relationship. It is hard to say with certainty when the trusting of the adult begins with children, likely at the mother's breast, if not before, but we know with a fair degree of certainty, the child is susceptible to having that trust relationship damaged equally early. Trust cannot be quantified, but observation can give witness to its diminishing.

Who do you trust? Is it a gift? Who trusts you? Do you receive it as a gift? What does it add to your life? Is it worth being one of your core values? Any scorpions in your life?

“The best way to find out if you can trust somebody is to trust them.”

--Ernest Hemingway