"Bet you've made alot of friends on this walk?
I am not sure they're friends, I say.
But I've met alot of people I'm gonna miss.
Yeah, he says, licking the cigarette again.
People come and people go.
But friends are hard to find."
-Jerry Ellis, Walking the Trail
Nothing but heaven itself is better than a friend who is really a friend.
--Plautus
We call that person who has lost his father, an orphan;
and a widower that man who has lost his wife.
But that man who has known the immense unhappiness
of losing a friend, by what name do we call him?
Here every language is silent and holds its peace in impotence.
--Joseph Roux
In everyone's life, at some time, our inner fire goes out.
It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being.
We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit.
--Albert Schweitzer
Saint Thomas Aquinas wrote, “There is nothing on this earth more to be prized than true friendship.” How about you? What value do you place on “friendship?” Even more importantly, how do you define “friendship?” Friend and friendship are two very important, even sacred, words and concepts in the life of the writer. He neither calls someone “friend,” nor entertains entering into a “friendship” relationship without great reflection and a great deal of caution. He believes that both terms, and their supporting conceptualizations, have been reduced to mere social hyperbole by many in our society. Of course, as always, it is up to the reader to determine the meaning and value of these words and concepts, but the writer would simply ask each individual reader to take some time to truly evaluate the friendships in his/her life, and determine the depth and breadth of the associated relationships.
The late theologian Henri Nouwen observed, “When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives means the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand.” In a similar framing of friendship, Samuel Johnson noted, "We cannot tell the precise moment when friendship is formed. As in filling a vessel drop by drop, there is at last a drop which makes it run over; so in a series of kindnesses there is at last one which makes the heart run over." Ever hear the phrase “quick friends?” In such a case are we more accurate saying “we quickly came to like each other,” or something of comparable social worth? The ancient Greek philosopher, Aristotle, knew of this human motivation and shared, “Wishing to be friends is quick work, but friendship is a slow ripening fruit.”
In our contemporary, fast paced, instant gratification world, anything requiring patience and investment of effort seems so contrary to where we are going as a species. Perhaps those of us who are totally committed to living in such a world are satisfied with shallow relationships. Hopefully, there are still a few among us who believe that a relationship with another warrants what is necessary to make it truly lasting and meaningful. As Aristotle noted, "What is a friend? A single soul in two bodies." What is your reaction or response to that thought? Does being a friend to, and with, someone carry that level of credential? It does for the writer. That is why he believes it to be so sacred; inviolate. St. Jerome was quoted as saying, “The friendship that can cease has never been real.” These are powerful thoughts handed down over the centuries by some of humankind’s great thinkers. But, if their words seem to weigh on your mind a bit too heavily, then consider the line from The Little Rascals, "You only meet your once in a lifetime friend... once in a lifetime." Or, as the line from Fried Green Tomatoes expresses it, "You just reminded me of what's really important in life, friends, best friends."
Regardless of the scales one uses to determine the meaning and value of friendship, it would seem safe to speculate that most friendships are spawned by a parentage of need, a need for something or someone. Antoine de Sainte-Exupery believed, "There is no hope of joy except in human relations." Yet, as Charles Caleb Colton observed, "True friendship is like sound health; the value of it is seldom known until it be lost." James Fenimore Cooper believed that friendship was literally the wellspring of a person’s life, noting, "Friendship that flows from the heart cannot be frozen by adversity, as the water that flows from the spring cannot congeal in winter."
Our current society frequently tunes into the “success channel” with the intention of getting ahead, accruing wealth and/or status, or living the “good life.” Although social and economic structures try to determine the measures of human success, each of us has the opportunity to measure success in our own lives. Edward Everett Hale believed that friendship plays an important role in determining an individual’s success stating, "The making of friends, who are real friends, is the best token we have of a man's success in life." Aristotle expressed much the same sentiment in these words, "Without friends no one would choose to live, though he had all other goods." For both Hale and Aristotle, the value of friendship would approach the state of being immeasurable. In measuring the value of friends in your life, are your scales similar to those used Hale and Aristotle?
The writer does not wish to diminish the “success mentality,” only urge the reader to examine what success truly means in one’s life, and how it contributes to the fulfillment of the individual’s purpose in life. Anais Nin believed, "Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born." If one is open to the intimacy that friendship brings, s/he might prefer Fred Rogers’ take on friendship, “If you’re trusted and people will allow you to share their inner garden...what better gift?"
Henry David Thoreau understood the gift that friendship represented in one’s interactions with another. He wrote, "The most I can do for my friend is simply to be his friend. I have no wealth to bestow on him. If he knows that I am happy in loving him, he will want no other reward. Is not friendship divine in this?" The words of Thoreau hold great power for the writer. Thoreau recognized the spiritual value of such an intimate relationship with another; its divinity. Thoreau also noted, “The language of friendship is not words but meanings.” One also needs to remember the power of a gift is that is affects both the giver and receiver. Walt Whitman reflected upon the importance of friendship from the recipient’s perspective when he shared, "I no doubt deserved my enemies, but I don't believe I deserved my friends." If the thoughts shared above in this paragraph don’t move you at least a little bit emotionally, then perhaps as comedian Joan Rivers likes to say, “We need to talk!
Friendship to George Eliot held a similar survival quality as shared in his thought, "No soul is desolate as long as there is a human being for whom it can feel trust and reverence." Similarly, Anatole Broyard offered, "When friends stop being frank and useful to each other, the whole world loses some of its radiance." This last statement, and perhaps the whole exchange on friendship, may irritate those who cling to the delusion of being “self-made.” Like it or not, we are going to influence and affect others, as we are going to be influenced and affected by others. The positive influence of friendship would seem preferable to that of something less positive.
However, the concept of friendship does not come without certain cautions. As the Buddha realized, “An insincere and evil friend is more to be feared than a wild beast; a wild beast may wound your body, but an evil friend will wound your mind.” At first blush, the Buddha’s statement might give those wary of friendship grounds for their perspective. Instead, the writer would suggest, the Buddha’s comment guides us back to the beginning of our discussion of friendship, and the importance of determining the true value of friendship and the precautions needed to be observed before endearing someone by referring to them as “friend.” The writer believes Oliver Wendell Holmes, comes closer to his take on the Buddha’s precautionary message when he wrote, "Except in cases of necessity, which are rare, leave your friend to learn unpleasant things from his enemies; they are ready enough to tell them."
The only way to have a friend is to be one.
--Ralph Waldo Emerson
As with all entries, we believe we are obligated to apply the topic being examined to the lives of children. Friends, and friendships, are something readily observable as being important to children. As teachers and mentors – please remember all of us are teachers and mentors – we must first become friends with ourselves. Eleanor Roosevelt believed, "Friendship with oneself is all-important because without it one cannot be friends with anyone else in the world." To some that observation might seem absurd, but reflect upon it for awhile and perhaps its true meaning and importance might begin to take root in your heart and mind. Are we at peace with ourselves? Are we friends with ourselves, or are we truly our own worst enemy?
Henry Ford stated, "My best friend is the one who brings out the best in me." John Boyle O'Reilly expands Ford’s thought noting, "Too late we learn, a man must hold his friend unjudged, accepted, trusted to the end." As teachers and mentors, do we have the right to expect others, especially the children under our care, to be friends with themselves and others, if we are not similarly friends with ourselves? Believe what you wish, but the Children’s Champion believes children recognize authenticity when they see and experience it. Our reality in their presence is only masked by our own insecurities and self delusion.
Muhammad Ali observed, “Friendship... is not something you learn in school. But if you haven't learned the meaning of friendship, you really haven't learned anything.” For those of you working in schools, how do you feel about Ali’s comment? Why do you agree or disagree? If you agree, why shouldn’t friendship be part of the curricular menu; an important ingredient? Benjamin Disraeli recognized the value of friendship in his early years noting, "There is magic in the memory of schoolboy friendships; it softens the heart, and even affects the nervous system of those who have no heart." Childhood memories for many among us are much the same as Thomas Jefferson’s, "The happiest moments my heart knows are those in which it is pouring forth its affections to a few esteemed characters." Too late in life, many of us learned what we should have learned and experienced as children. Childhood friendships can add value and meaning to our lives as well as those experienced in adult life. Benjamin Disraeli believed, "The greatest good you can do for another is not just share your riches, but to reveal to him, his own."
Similarly, Goethe observed, "Treat people as if they were what they ought to be and you help them to become what they are capable of being." Much the same, the contemporary icon Cher acknowledged, "I can trust my friends. These people force me to examine, encourage me to grow." The writer contends this relationship between one and his/or her close intimates begins in childhood, and is not reserved only for the adults. Cicero declared, "Thus nature has no love for solitude, and always leans, as it were, on some support; and the sweetest support is found in the most intimate friendship." Are we so selfish and arrogant to believe that which Cicero addresses regarding friendship is reserved only for those who manage to survive childhood? Are we willing to accept Ali’s observation, or do we believe true friendship is something way to important to be left to chance? The choice to nurture friendship among children lies within each of us. We get to choose. You get to choose.
The Children’s Champion believes that helping children to understand and explore the concepts of friends and friendships is both a duty and obligation. As adults we come to recognize the value a “true friend” can add to our lives. Just think how powerful a benefit we can add to our children’s development by, at least, helping them to explore these concepts. Bullying has become the contemporary scourge of society. We choose not to get into the debate of what bullying is, or isn’t, in this posting, but the writer would ask the reader to consider this possibility. Would it be more productive to help children understand positive peer interactions, and the benefits of friendship and friendly interactions, rather than to focus on the “don’ts” of getting along with one’s peers. Bullying prevention programs may reduce the number of observable negative social interactions between children – and/or adults – but unless we are willing to genuinely venture into the realm of relationships, true relationships, with children, our attempts at thwarting the inappropriate behaviors we put under the umbrella of “bullying” are often merely suppressed, only to emerge at a later date, rather than remedied. To this thought, we conclude with the words of the Marquise de Sevigne, "True friendship is never serene."
"I'd like to be the sort of friend that you have been to me.
I'd like to be the help that you've been always glad to be;
I'd like to mean as much to you each minute of the day,
as you have meant, old friend of mine,
to me along the way."
- Edgar A. Guest
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