Integrity

"Integrity is never painless. It requires that we let

matters rub up against each other,that we fully experience

the tension of conflicting needs,demands, and interests,

that we even be emotionally torn apart by them ...

It does not seek to avoid conflict, but to reconcile it."

~M. Scott Peck, The Different Drum

"Integrity means being whole, unbroken, undivided.

It describes a person who has united the different

parts of his or her personality, so there is no longer

a split in the soul ... For the person of integrity,

life may not be easy but it is simple:

Figure out what is right and do it.

All other considerations come in second."

~Harold Kushner, Living a Life That Matters

When you hear the word “integrity,” especially when applied to a particular individual, organization, or experience, what comes to mind? Do you use the term, and acknowledge the concept deliberately and with reverence, or do you use it carelessly and toss it around as frivolously as you would a used up toothpaste tube? It is my sincere hope that your response is the first rather than the latter. You might ask, “Why all the formality regarding one’s orientation to a commonly used term and generally understood idea?” The answer for this writer is rather fundamental in that he believes that integrity is the crescendo of the meshing together of all other core values, both the ones we have covered so far, and those yet to be explored in future entries. In the words of Peter Ragnar, "Values are what construct integrity, and values are what one must fight to gain, keep, and protect." Integrity acts as the sinew that binds all the other elements together - our core values and beliefs that add quality and substance to our lives – that gives our lives meaning.

The late Buckminster Fuller put the importance of integrity in these words: "Integrity is the essence of everything successful." For those of you who are at least vaguely familiar with the biography of Buckminster Fuller, you realize the power of that statement. Just as his famous “geodesic dome” design of buildings provided great strength and integrity to the structures utilizing the physics and engineering of that design, one can believe that Mr. Fuller’s approbation regarding “integrity” was no shallow gesticulation on his part.

"The creative is the place where no one else has ever been.

You have to leave the city of your comfort and go

into the wilderness of your intuition.

What you'll discover will be wonderful.

What you'll discover is yourself."

~ Alan Alda

As noted earlier, Peter Ragnar, much like Fuller, places a very high value upon integrity. As Ragnar states, “Integrity - a value so rare and hard to find. It is like a diamond in a sea of glass, which only a trained eye can detect.” To this suggestion he adds, “You cannot have a quality you're yet to identify. And once you know what it is, it does not immediately come into your possession.” After decades of searching for a meaning of integrity that he could live with, Ragnar concluded, “"Integrity is the adherence to a code of values. That's why so few ever find it within themselves." Furthermore, and why we have chosen to speak of the importance of integrity at this point in our expose on core values, Ragnar poses a query with a corresponding response: “What actually do you value, and why? If you do not have a clearly established hierarchy of the values you live your life by, values you'll never compromise, then you've yet to find integrity. Integrity is a ladder; its rungs are values. It is on this that you must climb to reach your dreams….Values are a necessity of both psychological and physical survival. They control your subconscious desires and conscious choices. They form the blueprint for your life that guides every desire and decision. It's in these values and the code you follow that forms the whole course your life will follow. The adherence to that code is your integrity. This integrity is the basis for your happiness.”

To some, speaking to the transcendent qualities of integrity may seem trite and greatly over-played for dramatic effect. As always, the reader of these entries is invited to respectfully disagree with any of the contents presented. However, it is this writer’s opinion that the person who wishes to ascend to the more rarified air of “presence,” rather than continue descending into the suffocating miasma of “existence,” striving to live a life of integrity is not an option, but a requirement. As alpinists will forewarn those aspiring to challenge the mountain, reaching the summit is fraught with seemingly endless challenges and pitfalls, the greatest of those lying within the individual rather upon the face of the mountain being scaled. So too, the individual accepting the challenge of charting a clear pathway to the summit of their life, a life of integrity, must be constantly alert to those hazards that impede their progress. Core values, much like the climber’s pitons, anchor us to something solid, something we can attach our life-line to, something that will catch us and prevent major harm and/or setback should we slip and fall. Without core values there is no integrity. Without integrity our lives are a perpetual free-fall, a life of questionable, if any, meaningful purpose.

As with the climber of mountains, the individual contemplating scaling the heights of integrity comes to understand that before the actual journey begins there is much to be done to prepare mentally and spiritually for the task ahead. Joe Tye, America’s Values Coach, frames such preparation this way: "Integrity begins with introspection; you must learn to trust and respect yourself before you can expect that others will trust and respect you." Easy, you say? Remember, we are not talking in the mode of flim-flam, flap, and froth. We are addressing life’s vicissitudes from a very raw, vulnerable, and soul-scouring mode. As Harper Lee wrote in To Kill a Mockingbird, “Before I can live with other folks I've got to live with myself. The one thing that doesn't abide by majority rule is a person's conscience.”

We must have the courage to address Georges Courteline’s charge as expressed in La philosophie de Georges Courteline: “If it was necessary to tolerate in other people everything that one permits oneself, life would be unbearable.” We must also have great courage, including the courage to recognize that our journey upwards will require us to address many complex questions, leaving some of them unanswered and abandoned along the way; unnecessary baggage not anchors. Michael Moore adds to Courteline’s thoughts on courage noting, “The highest courage is to dare to be yourself in the face of adversity. Choosing right over wrong, ethic over convenience, and truth over popularity ... these are choices that measure your life. Travel the path of integrity without looking back, for there is never a wrong time to do the right thing.” Writing in Arctic Dreams, Barry Lopez observes, “How is one to live a moral and compassionate existence when one finds darkness not only in one's culture but within oneself? There are simply no answers to some of the great pressing questions. You continue to live them out, making your life a worthy expression of leaning into the light.” The importance of courage to living a life of integrity cannot be lightly dismissed. Keshavan Nair comes right to the point stating, “With courage you will dare to take risks, have the strength to be compassionate, and the wisdom to be humble. Courage is the foundation of integrity.” It is hard to get much more fundamental than that.

"You have enemies?

Good!

That means you've stood up for something,

sometime in your life."

- Winston Churchill

By its very nature, integrity creates a conundrum for those seeking it. Integrity is something one fully commits to, or not at all. In the words of Peter Scotese, “Integrity is not a 90 percent thing, not a 95 percent thing; either you have it or you don't.” John D. MacDonald agrees. He believes, “Integrity is not a conditional word. It doesn't blow in the wind or change with the weather. It is your inner image of yourself, and if you look in there and see a man who won't cheat, then you know he never will.” Also, a commitment to integrity leaves no escape route. According to Don Galer, “Integrity is what we do, what we say, and what we say we do.”

Really, we are talking serious personal commitment when are addressing the master value of integrity. Henry Kravis reduces what we are considering to its basics when he states, “If you don’t have integrity, you have nothing. You can’t buy it. You can have all the money in the world, but if you are not a moral and ethical person, you really have nothing.” Kenneth Lay is of a similar mind when he relates, “I threw my whole life and lived my life in a certain way to make sure that I would never violate any law…certainly never any criminal laws…and always maintained that most important to me was my integrity, was my character, were my values.”

“One of the truest tests of integrity

is its blunt refusal to be compromised.”

~Chinua Achebe

In a world that seems to endorse a philosophy of “anything goes,” how do we convince ourselves or others that integrity is worth the effort. It boils down to a matter of choice; of free will. Pablo Casals expressed it this way: “Every wrong seems possible today, and is accepted. I don’t accept it.” British author Samuel Johnson, back in the 18th century wrote, “A person is not given integrity. It results from the relentless pursuit of honesty at all times.” Things get even more complicated if the person aspiring to live a life of, and with, integrity is searching for some type of manual or guide book to guide them. Albert Camus suggests, “Integrity has no need of rules.”

Unfortunately, Camus leaves most of us gasping for air with his “no need of rules” perspective. Most of us need something a little more substantial to assist us in getting our bearings. Bill McCartney strives toward parsimony in helping us to understand the concept of integrity, stating, "If you want to take the meaning of the word integrity and reduce it to its simplest terms, you'd conclude that a man of integrity is a promise keeper. When he gives you his word you can take it to the bank. His word is good." Barbara De Angelis is somewhat less parsimonious than McCartney when she attempts to define integrity, but still manages to winnow away the chaff. De Angelis suggests, “Living with integrity means:
• Not settling for less than what you know you deserve in your relationships.
• Asking for what you want and need from others.
• Speaking your truth, even though it might create conflict or tension.
• Behaving in ways that are in harmony with your personal values.
• Making choices based on what you believe, and not what others believe.”

"Live so that your friends can defend you but never have to."

~Arnold H. Glasow

Much like Little Gidding, we end up back where we began bringing us back to the question of “Why should we seek to live a life of integrity?” George Santayana ties integrity to a person’s choice of a direction in life, noting, “Our character...is an omen of our destiny, and the more integrity we have and keep, the simpler and nobler that destiny is likely to be.” But, reader beware. Santayana’s “simpler and nobler” does not infer insignificance. Instead, for many, it will mean the opposite. As Charles Simmons wrote, “Integrity is the first step to true greatness. Men love to praise, but are slow to practice it. To maintain it in high places costs self-denial; in all places it is liable to opposition, but its end is glorious, and the universe will yet do it homage.” American author Grenville Kleiser believed “You are already of consequence in the world if you are known as a man of strict integrity” To spur the integrity seeker on to greater heights, Robert E. Quinn chimes in with the observation, “It is our hypocrisy and self-focus that drains us. When we become purpose centered, internally directed other focused and externally open, we discover energy we didn’t know we had."

It is not by coincidence that to achieve that of which Quinn speaks to, one’s efforts will require the building of trust with ourselves and others. As noted earlier, integrity is built upon the other core values; trust being one of the most important. In their book, The Art of Waking People Up, Kenneth Cloke and Joan Goldsmith wrote, "Trust is rebuilt by focusing not on what the other person did or did not do but on critiquing one's own behavior, improving one's trustworthiness, and focusing attention not on words and promises but on actions, attitudes, and ways of being." The late, great, commentator, Edward R. Murrow was speaking along these same lines when he stated, "To be persuasive we must be believable; to be believable we must be credible; to be credible we must be truthful." Or, as George Eliot recommended, “Keep true, never be ashamed of doing right, decide on what you think is right and stick to it.” The charge will often seem unfair, and even overwhelming at times, but we will do well to remember Moliere’s observation, "If everyone were clothed with integrity, if every heart were just, frank, and kindly, the other virtues would be well-nigh useless." And although it may not “help pay the bills,” Denis Waitley believes, "A life lived with integrity - even if it lacks the trappings of fame and fortune is a shining star in whose light others may follow in the years to come."

If there is a “down” side to integrity, it would be that it comes with a cost. In fact, the cost that is exacted upon the person of integrity, at times, can seem high and disproportionate to the reward it bestows upon the individual. However, as Margaret Chase Smith reminds us, “Moral cowardice that keeps us from speaking our minds is as dangerous to this country as irresponsible talk. The right way is not always the popular and easy way. Standing for right when it is unpopular is a true test of moral character.” Our society seems to dissuade the individual from taking the unpopular stand, to be the “exception to the rule.” Lorraine Hansberry says it well in her statement, “The thing that makes you exceptional, if you are at all, is inevitably that which makes you lonely.” Perhaps we can find some solace in the words of Wilma Mankiller: “One of the things my parents taught me, and I'll always be grateful for the gift, is to not ever let anybody else define me.” The words of A. A. Milne should also inspire us to risk the potential consequences of attempting to rise above the maelstrom of conventional human thought: “The third-rate mind is only happy when it is thinking with the majority. The second-rate mind is only happy when it is thinking with the minority. The first-rate mind is only happy when it is thinking.” Keep heart! There will be times along the way to living an exceptional life that will challenge your will and forbearance. During such times, as best you can, stand solid and reflect on the following words of M. Scott Peck: “The whole course of human history may depend on a change of heart in one solitary and even humble individual - for it is in the solitary mind and soul of the individual that the battle between good and evil is waged and ultimately won or lost.

" To go against the dominant thinking of your friends,

of most of the people you see every day,

is perhaps the most difficult act of heroism you can perform."

~Theodore H. White

Lest the integrity seeker becomes discouraged or disillusioned, let’s consider Ayn Rand’s perspective on integrity when she stated, “Achievement of your happiness is the only moral purpose of your life, and that happiness, not pain or mindless self-indulgence, is the proof of your moral integrity, since it is the proof and the result of your loyalty to the achievement of your values.” Shea Vaughn, notes in the Five Living Principles, “Integrity does not examine the result – only the effort made. It is the level of honesty in the quality of effort you give to the execution of whatever you strive to do – it has to be the best you can do.” Also, living a life with/of integrity might, at times, be better served through silence and solitude as Meister Eckhart suggested when he wrote, “In silence man can most readily preserve integrity.” If you dare to choose silence and go “deeper” consider the pathway Charles B. Johnson chose. Johnson notes, “Writing is my refuge. It's where I go. It's where I find that integrity I have.” Emerson would appear to summarize these latter thoughts quiet well in his statement, "There is a time in every man's education when he arrives at the conviction that envy is ignorance; that imitation is suicide; that he must take himself for better for worse as his portion . . . It is the harder because you will always find those who think they know what is your duty better than you know it. It is easy in the world to live after the world's opinion; it is easy in solitude to live after our own; but the great man is he who in the midst of the crowd keeps with perfect sweetness the independence of solitude.

Again, as with the other entries, we must ask how all that we have addressed thus far is of major consequence to our dealings, and interactions, with children. Obviously, at least to this writer, if we prefer our children to grow into people of integrity then it is our obligation and duty to teach them the meaning(s) and purpose(s) of integrity as it applies to the human experience. Hopefully, it goes without saying, that we, as teachers, must be able to demonstrate, as well as orchestrate, the lessons we are attempting to teach. If we are not people of integrity, how can we convincingly teach those qualities and attributes to others. We must not be included among the ranks of those that Margaret Mead speaks to when she stated, "What people say, what people do, and what they say they do are entirely different things." If we believe that the future of the human race - at least a future worthy of our aspiration - is important then we must strive to be that "diamond among the glass" that Ragnar speaks to. Yes, the task at hand is big, but not too big. It is difficult, but not too difficult. Indeed, in many ways it will define who and what we are, and where and how we will land in the future. Each of us is an architect helping to design a future world. Are you ready and willing to join in the project? Or, are you planning to sit this one out?

“The hero is one who kindles a great light in the world,

who sets up blazing torches in the dark streets of life for men to see by.

The saint is the man who walks through the dark paths of the world,

himself a light.”

~Felix Adler

Intention

The moment one definitely commits oneself,

then providence moves too.

All sorts of things occur to help one

that would never otherwise have occurred...

unforeseen incidents, meetings, and material assistance,

which no man could have dreamed would have come his way.

-Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

”Live with intention. Walk to the edge. Listen hard.

Practice wellness. Play with abandon. Laugh.

Choose with no regret. Appreciate your friends.

Continue to learn. Do what you love.

Live as this is all there is.”

--Mary Ann Radmacher

In the eastern philosophical tradition, Buddhist Master Hsing Yun believed, "Intention is the core of all conscious life. It is our intentions that create karma, our intentions that help others, our intentions that lead us away from the delusions of individuality toward the immutable verities of enlightened awareness. Conscious intention colors and moves everything." Also speaking to the power of intention from the perspective of eastern philosophy, Sakyong Mipham shares how harnessing the power of intention influences his response to life. He relates in Ruling Your World: Ancient Strategies for Modern Life, “That power of intention helps me turn confusion on its ear and enjoy my life. When self-absorption arises, I use the precision of my morning meditation to turn the energy inside out. I find that the more I do this, the less worried I feel. Each day is an opportunity to sharpen and deepen the conclusions I've drawn in my morning practice (p.31).” Both Yun and Mipham’s statements offer powerful testimony to the importance of that which we refer to as “intention” can play in a person’s life.

"Inspiration is intention obeyed."

--Emily Carr

Interestingly, many of western philosophical orientation tend to pooh-pooh the importance that intention plays in effecting outcomes, and actually find comfort in euphemisms that support that line of thought. Most of us have heard some version of that which George Bernard Shaw states, "Hell is paved with good intentions, not with bad ones. All men mean well." Or of more recent vintage that which Lloyd Strom shares, “The road to hell is paved with good intentions corrupted by our fears." Whether, or not, you choose to support Shaw or Strom’s perspectives on intention is your decision. However, if you do choose to support the belief that intentions are more attune to landmines in the road of life, it may be worth reflecting for a moment whether the choice is made to justify a lack of commitment to some cause or purpose, or something you really believe. Talk show host Oprah Winfrey speaks to such decision-making, stating, "Before you agree to do anything that might add even the smallest amount of stress to your life, ask yourself: What is my truest intention? Give yourself time to let a yes resound within you. When it's right, I guarantee that your entire body will feel it.” Later on in that conversation, Oprah Winfrey shares in epilogue form, “What I know for sure is that your life is a multipart series of all your experiences- and each experience is created by your thoughts, intentions, and actions to teach you what you need to know. Your life is a journey of learning to love yourself first and then extending that love to others in every encounter.”

Those of us that continue on the journey of discovery and fulfillment will undoubtedly encounter obstacles and discouragement. Such annoyances are to be expected in anyone’s life journey, especially those who have a vision, and commit to its realization. Marlo Morgan, writing in her book, Mutant Message from Down Under, noted, “When you have a thought that is not in alignment with your highest vision change to a new thought! Then and there. When you say a thing that is out of alignment with your grandest idea, make a note not to say something like that again. When you do a thing that is misaligned with your best intention, decide to make that the last time. And make it right with whomever was involved if you can.” Thomas Troward was thinking along the same lines as Morgan when he wrote, "Our repeated failure to fully act as we would wish must not discourage us. It is the sincere intention that is the essential thing, and this will in time release us from the bondage of habits which at present seem almost insurmountable."

Author Aldous Huxley was keenly aware of the challenges that might come our way as we strive toward our vision and purpose, and shared the following advice: “When life appears to be working against you, when your luck is down, when the supposedly wrong people show up, or when you slip up and return to old, self-defeating habits, recognize the signs that you're out of harmony with intention.” Sharon Salzberg reminds us, “If we fall, we don't need self-recrimination or blame or anger - we need a reawakening of our intention and a willingness to recommit, to be whole-hearted once again.” Or, in the words of Confucius, "It doesn't matter how slowly you go as long as you don't stop."

Huxley’s, along with the other’s, observation is believed an important segue into the next segment of our discussion of intention in that it addresses the concept of harmony. Perhaps some see intention as weakness resulting from failed efforts in the past. Although we will address the need for concurrent thought (intention) and action (effort), the question that seems prudent at this time might be, “Was the perceived failure the result of the individual, or group’s, intention being out of harmony with the universe?” Carlos Castaneda would contend, “There's no way to put a limit on what one may accomplish individually if the intent is an impeccable intent.” For some readers that statement will undoubtedly not resonate very well since it adds caveats to the formula; caveats of quality and merit. The rational mind will revolt and align with empirical thought that postulates nature does not add judgment to cause and effect phenomena. The writer, supporting the concept of free will, acknowledges the choice to accept, or not, is the reader’s. However, rejection without investigation and consideration is but an obstinate act and a feckless gesture that reaps little in the way of positive reward or outcome.

If we are to live meaningful lives we must work to connect with the forces at work around us. Although a sense of superiority at times seduces us to disconnect ourselves from the other elements that influence life on earth, and in the universe, a trifle of humility will provide a glimpse of unexplainable possibilities that exist, if we are willing to open our minds a bit. Doing so is believed important because it will greatly influence our intentions. In The Field: The Quest for the Secret Force of the Universe, Lynne McTaggart writes, “Our natural state of being is in relationship, a tango, a constant state of one influencing the other. Just as the subatomic particles that compose us cannot be separated from the space and particles surrounding them, so living beings cannot be isolated from each other... By the act of observation and intention, we have the ability to extend a kind of super-radiance to the world.” Sandy Forster would add to McTaggart’s suggestion, "When you set an intention, when you commit, the entire universe conspires to make it happen." Shakti Gawain holds a comparable view, noting, “Every moment of your life is infinitely creative and the Universe is endlessly bountiful. Just put forth a clear enough request and everything your heart desires must come to you.” In essence, we might have to decide to choose, or not, to do as Mike Fotheringham suggests, “Set your intention, and trust the universe to take care of the details.”

"In the universe there is an immeasurable,

indescribable force which shamans call intent,

and absolutely everything that exists in the entire cosmos

is attached to intent by a connecting link."

-Carlos Castaneda

Centuries ago, Sir Francis Bacon understood that which McTaggart would later write about when he acknowledged, “For those who intend to discover and to understand, not to indulge in conjectures and soothsaying, and rather than contrive imitation and fabulous worlds plan to look deep into the nature of the real world and to dissect it -- for them everything must be sought in things themselves.” “Mr. Intention” himself, Wayne Dyer, echoes Bacon with much fewer words in his statement, "Our intention creates our reality." Dyer goes on to say, “The power of intention is the power to manifest, to create, to live a life of unlimited abundance, and to attract into your life the right people at the right moments….if you put your thoughts on what’s on its way, then you’ll start looking for every little clue, and every person walking into your life becomes someone who is a messenger or a deliverer of something that is going to help you deliver what you have an intention about.” Author Gary Zukav recognizes the catalyst properties of intention suggesting, "Every intention sets energy into motion whether you are conscious of it or not." Those of us who believe in the almost magical power of intention understand what Anthony Robbins is referring to when he states, “As soon as you truly commit to making something happen, the 'how' will reveal itself.”

Wayne Dyer recognizes for the potential power of intention to flow in our lives, the plumbing of our hearts and minds must be unclogged. Dyer notes, “By banishing doubt and trusting your intuitive feelings, you clear a space for the power of intention to flow through.” Dorothea Brande realizes that for intention to work its power, the forces addressed above cannot remain static, but must be put into motion. Brande suggests, "All that is necessary to break the spell of inertia and frustration is this: act as if it were impossible to fail. That is the talisman, the formula, the command of right-about-face that turns us from failure toward success.” As Charles Kettering advises, “Believe and act as if it were impossible to fail.”

“Stop acting as if life is a rehearsal.

Live this day as if it were your last.

The past is over and gone.

The future is not guaranteed.”

-- Wayne Dyer

Not ready to buy-in to the above postulations just yet? That is quite okay. A reasonable dose of skepticism is seldom fatal. However, to avoid cerebral paralysis resulting from prolonged skepticism, how about at least considering what William Temple, Sr. suggests: “Good intentions are at least, the seed of good actions; and every one ought to sow them, and leave it to the soil and the seasons whether he, or any other, gathers fruit.” Lloyd Strom, also utilizing the “seed” metaphor, adds, "A good intention is like the seed of a tree whose fruit we do not know." As with anything else in our lives there are “conditions” attached to planting the seeds of intention, i.e. good intentions as the cobble stones along hell’s highway. Gremville Kleiser suggests, “Let your intentions be good - embodied in good thoughts, cheerful words, and unselfish deeds - and the world will be to you a bright and happy place in which to work and play and serve.” Peter Abelard, connecting intention with action, qualifies that union stating, "We call an intention good which is right in itself, but the action is good, not because it contains within it some good, but because it issues from a good intention."

”A good intention clothes itself with power.”

--Ralph Waldo Emerson

Lest we have a grievance filed that the writer is but a Pollyannaish pimp soliciting customers for a union without possibilities, we need to examine the relationship between intention and action a bit closer. Caroline Myss addresses the issue noting, “You cannot change anything in your life with intention alone, which can become a watered-down, occasional hope that you’ll get to tomorrow. Intention without action is useless.” Intention is often construed as being the same as a stated objective or goal. If looked upon as such, one can begin to understand the negative thinking surrounding the value of intentions. According to Denis Waitley, “The reason most people never reach their goals is that they don't define them, or ever seriously consider them as believable or achievable. Winners can tell you where they are going, what they plan to do along the way, and who will be sharing the adventure with them.”

Frequently, the objective or goal is stated in the form of an affirmation – as if the goal or objective is already happening. T. Harv Eker believes this is where we might fool ourselves into grabbing onto the tar baby. Eker states, “An affirmation states that a goal is already happening. I’m not crazy about this because, often when we affirm something that is not yet real, the little voice in our head usually responds with “This isn’t true, this is BS…On the other hand, a declaration is not saying something is true, it’s saying we have an intention of doing or being something. This is a position the little voice can buy, because we’re not stating it’s true right now, but again, it’s an intention for us in the future.” But, recognizing that intention is guiding us into the future – a plan to follow – is not enough. We still must move, or put into action, that idea or intention we have formulated in our mind. As Walt Kelly reminds us, “It is not good enough for things to be planned - they still have to be done; for the intention to become a reality, energy has to be launched into operation.”

"Thought is the sculptor who can create the person you want to be."

--Henry David Thoreau

While we can buy into what Kelly is suggesting, there is still much to be gained by stating our intentions in some formal statement, or goal. Because, as Sharon Salzberg was quoted in the January 2004 edition of O Magazine, “Each decision we make, each action we take, is born out of an intention.” Therefore, as John Rogers suggests, “Choose your intention carefully and then practice holding your consciousness to it, so it becomes the guiding light in your life." Then, to become more tangible, Deepak Chopra considers the translating of thought, or intention, into something more concrete, such as written statements, is vitally important. He notes, "Intentions compressed into words enfold magical power." It is also important that we understand as we enter the realm of manifesting intention, that there will likely be times when we want to turn back; to give up on achieving that which we know deep within us defines our purpose for being. Ralph Ellison wrote, “It takes a deep commitment to change and an even deeper commitment to grow." Most of us can say a big "Amen" to that statement.

"Speak from your heart and don't worry about how

it's going to be taken and ask with the intention of it

doing the highest good for everyone involved.

-–Dr. Gary Arthur

Like most other ventures in life, living with intention and being committed to our intention(s) does not always have to be a lonely journey. Certainly, one needs to be prudent in who they select to be fellow journeymen, but it is often worth the effort to seek those rare individuals who understand our need to become who we were meant to become; our purpose on this earth. As Edward G. Bulwer-Lytton warns, “It is difficult to say who do you the most harm: enemies with the worst intentions or friends with the best.” Similarly, Wayne Dyer advises that we, “Choose to be in close proximity to people who are empowering, who appeal to your sense of connection to intention, who see the greatness in you, who feel connected to God, who live a life that gives evidence that Spirit has found celebration through them.” Alone, or in the company of others, we must not allow our fears and doubts to dissuade us from transforming intention into form. As we have seen many times through our journey in this publication, we have two basic choices in life; to fulfill our destiny and our dreams, or to accept something less. We must believe in ourselves and we must believe that we are here on earth for a much greater reason than to simply put in our time, wither, and die! Charles Kettering reminds us, “High achievement always takes place in the framework of high expectation.”

Where are you standing in terms of responding to your intentions? Are your dreams fueled by intentions that are as wistful as a thermal breeze at sunset, or as solid as that which Blake speaks of below:

“Does a firm persuasion that a thing is so, make it so?

He replied, 'All poets believe that it does.'

And in ages of imagination, this firm persuasion removed mountains;

but many are not capable of a firm persuasion of anything.”

--William Blake

Actually, we could best sum up what we have been addressing in this chapter by considering the words of Rumi, "Let the beauty of what you love be what you do." Are you living a life of intention? Are your intentions in alignment with your personal life vision and mission? If not, why not? What is holding you back? What are you waiting for? What do you intend to do about it?

"Although actions may speak louder than words,

it is our intentions that reveal our soul."

--Hal Elrod

"I am not an island

I am not alone

I am my intentions

Trapped here in this flesh and bone."

--Melissa Etheridge

"TELL me not, in mournful numbers,

Life is but an empty dream ! —

For the soul is dead that slumbers,

And things are not what they seem.

Life is real ! Life is earnest!

And the grave is not its goal ;

Dust thou art, to dust returnest,

Was not spoken of the soul.

Not enjoyment, and not sorrow,

Is our destined end or way ;

But to act, that each to-morrow

Find us farther than to-day.

Art is long, and Time is fleeting,

And our hearts, though stout and brave,

Still, like muffled drums, are beating

Funeral marches to the grave.

In the world's broad field of battle,

In the bivouac of Life,

Be not like dumb, driven cattle !

Be a hero in the strife !

Trust no Future, howe'er pleasant !

Let the dead Past bury its dead !

Act,— act in the living Present !

Heart within, and God o'erhead !

Lives of great men all remind us

We can make our lives sublime,

And, departing, leave behind us

Footprints on the sands of time ;

Footprints, that perhaps another,

Sailing o'er life's solemn main,

A forlorn and shipwrecked brother,

Seeing, shall take heart again.

Let us, then, be up and doing,

With a heart for any fate ;

Still achieving, still pursuing,

Learn to labor and to wait.

--Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

Core Value - Empathy

Empathy feels these thoughts; your hurt is in my heart,

your loss is in my prayers, your sorrow is in my soul,

and your tears are in my eyes.

--William Arthur Ward

"This is the most enormous extension of vision of which life is capable:

the projection of itself into other lives.

This is the lonely, magnificent power of humanity.

It is . . . the supreme epitome of the reaching out."

— Loren Eiseley, The Immense Journey: An Imaginative Naturalist

Explores the Mysteries of Man and Nature

Theologian and writer Henri J.M. Nouwen painted a marvelous word portrait of empathy in his book The Road to Daybreak: A Spiritual Journey when he wrote, "When we honestly ask ourselves which persons in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares." Robert Louis Stevenson, many years earlier, knew about that which Nouwen would write about when he observed, “So long as we love we serve; So long as we are loved by others, I would almost say that we are indispensable; And no one is useless while they have a friend.” Even earlier, Sophocles tapped into this same vein of thought writing, “One who knows how to show and to accept kindness will be a friend better than any possession.”

“Love is that enviable state that knows no envy or vanity,
only empathy and a longing to be greater than oneself”
-- Anita Roddick

The above paragraph seems almost dripping wet with the milk of human kindness, the risking of becoming vulnerable in order to reach out with a comforting hand and heart to another, who in the moment is also vulnerable. If empathy – that ability to in the moment nearly become the other – is such a golden virtue and quality of human emotion and understanding, then why is it not more readily practiced among members of the human community? You may recall our earlier conversation regarding “friendship,” at least from the perspective of the writer? Sharing empathy with another requires of the giver to demonstrate many of the traits attributed to friendship, especially the aspect of having to not expect the other to respond in a like manner. Friendship of which he spoke is not to be likened to a shallow puddle, easily persuaded by wind and quickly dried up by even a passive sun. Instead, the writer’s conception of friendship resembles the deep and often opaque pool, little disturbed by surface events, and always remaining a bit mysterious to all but the few who will explore its depths. Bertrand Russell knew of this type of friendship and understood how essential empathy and its related values were to the preservation of that relationship. Russell wrote, “Friendship is a living thing that lasts only as long as it is nourished with kindness, empathy and understanding.”

"The most valuable things in life are not measured in monetary terms.

The really important things are not houses and lands,

stocks and bonds, automobiles and real estate,

but friendships, trust, confidence, empathy,

mercy, love and faith.”

--Bertrand Russell

Pat Barker is probably getting very close to the mother lode of understanding the “why” of the question above when he suggests, "It's the hardest thing in the world to go on being aware of someone else's pain." Centuries ago, Euripides observed, "When a good man is hurt all who would be called good must suffer with him." Perhaps many of us experience so much pain in our own lives we are already too depleted emotionally to do much for the other person, even if motivated to do so? Tenzin Gyatso, The Fourteenth Dalai Lama, shared a Buddhist perspective on the topic, explaining, “From the moment of birth every human being wants happiness and wants to avoid suffering. In this we are all the same.” Edith Wharton, in the character of Lily, addresses human pain, and more importantly it’s longing for the empathetic, restorative, response of another, in The House of Mirth. Wharton wrote, "As the pain that can be told is but half a pain, so the pity that questions has little healing in its touch. What Lily craved was the darkness made by enfolding arms, the silence which is not solitude, but compassion holding its breath." How many of us at one time in our life or another, perhaps this very moment, can relate to Wharton’s Lily?

I think it's easy to mistake understanding for empathy—
we want empathy so badly. . . .
It's hard and ugly to know somebody can understand
you without even liking you.
--Thomas A. Harris

Too often we look around and see ourselves but one of many empty vessels, longing to be filled by the outpouring of others, only to find ourselves smack in the middle of a desert of human emotion and feeling. We find ourselves surrounded, by the type of individuals Sir Edmund Burke identified in the line, “There are some men formed with feelings so blunt that they can hardly be said to be awake during the whole course of their lives.” Even more unnerving is the possibility that Burke may in fact be speaking of us, as well as to us. Andre Gide provides an appropriate follow-up question to Burke’s comment noting, “"Are you then unable to recognize unless it has the same sound as yours?" Perhaps we ourselves are too blunt emotionally to pick up on the pain and needs of others. For endless reasons untold, many of us are unable, or unwilling, to extend ourselves toward another. Sue Miller, I believe, identifies one of the obstacles to our expressing empathy in her book While I Was Gone, writing, "I felt the kind of desperation, I think, that cancels the possibility of empathy...that makes you unkind." Or, another, as Antoine de Saint-Exupéry penned in The Little Prince, "I did not know how to reach him, how to catch up with him... The land of tears is so mysterious."

Recently, President Barack Obama stated, “We live in a culture that discourages empathy. A culture that too often tells us our principle goal in life is to be rich, thin, young, famous, safe, and entertained.” President Obama’s comment may be right on-target as an observational response, but it doesn’t really tell us a great deal about the “why.” If we examine closely the reasons the President suggests displace empathy as goals for our lives, we detect that all are motivated by a fear of some description. Bertrand Russell gave what might have been a reasonable response to the President’s observation when he wrote, “Neither a man nor a crowd nor a nation can be trusted to act humanely or to think sanely under the influence of a great fear.”

"Self-absorption in all its forms kills empathy, let alone compassion.
When we focus on ourselves, our world contracts as our problems
and preoccupations loom large. But when we focus on others,
our world expands. Our own problems drift to the periphery
of the mind and so seem smaller, and we increase our
capacityfor connection - or compassionate action."
— Daniel Goleman, Social Intelligence:
The New Science of Human Relationships

For those of us who hold empathy to be a most strategic human value, the quest to understand why there tends to be a shortage of something which should flow like a fountain from every individual’s heart and soul is of significant importance. Perhaps it is because of the apparent complexity of the whole empathy paradigm. Gloria Steinem once commented, “Empathy is the most radical of human emotions.” As Colin Gorman sees it, “Empathy is not a substitute for introspection. Stepping into someone else's shoes because yours don't fit means you still get to walk in ill-fitting shoes, you just don't get to own them.” Gorman’s comment may seem a little too “down-home” to be applied to Steinem’s suggestion, but, if you stop and think about it for a few moments, how radical it is to walk in someone else’s ill-fitting shoes, and then not even ending up owning them. We are not talking about quid pro quo here. We are talking about sacrifice, and that brings us back home to ourselves in a hurry.

In rationalizing the situation, the tendency is to meander back in the direction of putting the scales to our own pain and discomfort, and determine that instead of giving, we should be receiving. This is not an uncommon decision, but for some of us it becomes a dilemma if we allow ourselves to look beyond our own horizons. As James Baldwin writes, "You think your pain and your heartbreak are unprecedented in the history of the world, but then you read. It was books that taught me that the things that tormented me most were the very things that connected me with all the people who were alive, or who had ever been alive." As a bit of an interlude, we believe it worthwhile to add another thought or two to that of Baldwin’s regarding the value of literature and other media sources in helping us to build perspective about the suffering of others and the need for us to take the risk to reach out to them. John Connolly wrote in The Book of Lost Things, "I think the act of reading imbues the reader with a sensitivity toward the outside world that people who don't read can sometimes lack. I know it seems like a contradiction in terms; after all reading is such a solitary, internalizing act that it appears to represent a disengagement from day-to-day life. But reading, and particularly the reading of fiction, encourages us to view the world in new and challenging ways...It allows us to inhabit the consciousness of another which is a precursor to empathy, and empathy is, for me, one of the marks of a decent human being."

Frederick Buechner, writing in Whistling in the Dark: A Doubter's Dictionary, addresses this challenge of reaching out to others even when we ourselves sense such a need, noting, "If we are to love our neighbors, before doing anything else we must see our neighbors. With our imagination as well as our eyes, that is to say like artists, we must see not just their faces but the life behind and within their faces. Here it is love that is the frame we see them in." And, at this point, it would be wise to remember as Susan Kay suggests, "None of us can choose where we shall love..." You may be personally so blessed as to be the exception to Kay’s suggestion, but for most of us, Kay is probably hitting pretty close to home.

"Empathy is the love-fire of sweet remembrance
and shared understanding."
--John Eaton

Another possible response to the “why” question might be obstacles associated with the human intellect. According to the majority of scientists and psychologists, the human intellect, the power to think and reason, sets humans above the other animals on the planet. Whether you wish to agree with this line of thought is a personal choice. However, our intellect may in effect separate us from each other, as well as the other animals. Dean Koontz believes, “Some people think only intellect counts: knowing how to solve problems, knowing how to get by, knowing how to identify an advantage and seize it. But the functions of intellect are insufficient without courage, love, friendship, compassion and empathy.” Our intellect, frequently combined with cultural biases, would also have one believe that showing the qualities of compassion are signs of weakness. Kahil Gibran refuted such thinking, suggesting the opposite to be true. He wrote, “Tenderness and kindness are not signs of weakness and despair, but manifestations of strength and resolution.” Daniel Goldman, contemporary guru of emotional intelligence, adds to the conversation his observation, “If your emotional abilities aren't in hand, if you don't have self-awareness, if you are not able to manage your distressing emotions, if you can't have empathy and have effective relationships, then no matter how smart you are, you are not going to get very far.”

A fallout resulting from the human intellectual response to contemporary demands on society is the concept of efficiency. Ask an accountant about what is important to the wellbeing of her business and the answer will likely be “billable hours.” When time invested is not paying the return expected then dissonance enters and true reasoning exits the scenario. This is not to say there is not a case for efficiency of our efforts, but as Stephen Covey recognizes, “Empathy takes time, and efficiency is for things, not people.” In a product-oriented world, Bonnie Jean Wasmund reminds us, “People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” To that train of thought, Scott Adams adds, “Remember there's no such thing as a small act of kindness. Every act creates a ripple with no logical end.” The renowned theologian, and one-time Chaplin to the United States Congress, Peter Marshall would add to the mix the belief, “Small deeds done are better than great deeds planned.” But, with these thoughts comes a caveat. Patricia Sun reminds us, “The discoveries of how we can grow and the insights we need to have really come from the inside out. To have genuine empathy, not as a make-nice tool but as an understanding, is essential to the next step.”

CNN reporter Anderson Cooper believes, “Anyone who has experienced a certain amount of loss in their life has empathy for those who have experienced loss.” Cooper may, or may not, be accurate in his assessment that observed, or personal loss, engenders empathy in oneself. However, what about those who do not have those experiences? The question arises, “Is empathy an innate human attribute or one that is learned? Jacqui Rivait leans toward the latter, stating, “I don't believe that children are born with empathy. It is something they learn by seeing it modeled by others.” The ancient Greek poet and philosopher, Homer, also believe empathy to be a learned response, writing, "Yet, taught by time, my heart has learned to glow for other's good, and melt at other's woe." Actress Meryl Streep considers empathy a gift, “The great gift of human beings is that we have the power of empathy.”

"Sometimes I am asked by kids why

I condemn marijuana when I haven't tried it.

The greatest obstetricians in the world have never been pregnant."

--Art Linkletter

However one attains the ability to show empathy toward another, it is important that we assist children, and adults, in putting empathy into action. But, in helping the child to learn about empathy, we ourselves must be able to demonstrate the same toward the child. Alice Miller spoke to this notion stating, “Learning is a result of listening, which in turn leads to even better listening and attentiveness to the other person. In other words, to learn from the child, we must have empathy, and empathy grows as we learn.” Although we will save the topic of learning for another time, it does seem appropriate to remind ourselves that learning, true learning, does not travel down a one-way street! We must be able to engage fully in the process of learning with the child, otherwise we are more likely talking about indoctrination rather than learning. Kathrine Ellison believes that this learning begins very early in our adult-child relationship, noting, “Empathy frequently informs our earliest days with our infants as we try to figure out what they need, how to comfort and satisfy them.”

“We empathize-it's our chief way of learning.”
--John Gardner

Lydia Millet, in Oh Pure and Radiant Heart, believes instilling empathy in the developing child goes beyond conventional thought as it pertains to learning. Millet writes, "It is not learning we need at all. Individuals need learning but the culture needs something else, the pulse of light on the sea, the warm urge of huddling together to keep out the cold. We need empathy, we need the eyes that still can weep." Climbing the same ladder of social evolution, Betty Levin shares in the chapter “Polar Bears and Lemmings” in Origins of Story, "Children who find a single important life in the ordinary, unimportant, and unheroic are less likely to succumb to the human fallacy of us versus them." Yes, empathy requires of us humans a major social evolution, perhaps even a peaceful revolution, if we are to fulfill the wish of Anita Roddick: “I hope to leave my children a sense of empathy and pity and a will to right social wrongs.”

Actress Susan Sarandon believes, “When you start to develop your powers of empathy and imagination, the whole world opens up to you.” What Susan doesn’t explain in that statement is the complexity of developing the empathy she speaks about. Remember the earlier question as to why something such as empathy that seems so essential to human existence is not in greater abundance? We must work on ourselves before we work on others. In terms of empathy, one human addiction that must be overcome is our quickness to judge and punish. As Daniel Defoe wrote, “I hear much of peoples' calling out to punish the guilty, but very few are concerned to clear the innocent.” In addition, we must peel away the layers of callous that shield us from the concerns of our fellow human beings. As Salma Hayek observed, “Not to him who is offensive to us are we most unfair, but to him who doth not concern us at all.”

“Human altruism is thought to be based, in part, on empathy.

To be empathetic, you need to understand the thoughts

and desires of others.”

--Joan Silk

Even closer to home, we must overcome aggressive, destructive, behaviors and replace them with those that heal and build. Of this Dan Fallon states, “You don't have to accept the invitation to get angry. Instead, practice forgiveness, empathy and encouragement.” Add to this success formula the art of listening to the other person. As Stephen R. Covey points out: “When you listen with empathy to another person, you give that person psychological air.” This not-so-simple act of human respect helps to validate the other person and ensures success of both parties. Nearly a century ago, Henry Ford knew this to be true when he expressed, ”If there is any one secret of success, it lies in the ability to get to the other person’s point of view and see things from his angle as well as your own.”

“Mourn not the dead that in the cool earth lie,

but rather mourn the apathetic, throng the coward

and the meek who see the world's great anguish

and its wrong, and dare not speak.”

--Ralph Chaplin

"Humani nihil a se alineum putat."

(He deems nothing human alien to him.)

— Terrence De Quincey