Core Value - Courage

“Is he alone who has courage on his right hand and faith on his left hand?”

--Charles Lindbergh

“It takes a lot of courage to release the familiar and seemingly secure,

to embrace the new. But there is no real security in what is no longer

meaningful. There is more security in the adventurous and exciting,

for in movement there is life, and in change there is power.”

--Alan Cohen

Do you consider yourself a person of courage? Are you willing to give some cause in your life everything you have to give; your all? In earlier postings we examined our level of commitment to a variety of core values and beliefs. If one reflects on the investment of one’s inner resources required to adhere to our values and beliefs, it becomes profoundly evident that believing in, and standing firmly with, that which we totally believe to be true; worth dying for; worth living for! Courage as presented in this entry can be as subtle as it is bold, as sublime as it is extravagant, or as timeless as it is in the moment. Most of us have heard the old standby, “S/he had to work up the courage,” as if one has the luxury of time and forethought to work up the fortitude to face what awaits us. The courage this writer is referring to is more in line with that which Charles DuBois had in mind when he suggested, “The important thing is this: To be able at any moment to sacrifice what we are for what we could become.” Is that your idea of courage? Is there something you believe in so fervently that you are willing to let go with both hands and take the proverbial leap of faith; the faith Lindbergh attaches to courage? Discovering the true purpose of, and for, your life, and then going after it with all the gusto you can muster requires courage. But, this is one of those times that each of us must decide to take Frost’s “road less traveled by” or to feel safe and secure in taking the road of the mainstream; the road of least resistance. It is a choice that each of us must make, and it can make “all the difference.”

Each of us has an inner dream that we can unfold if we

will just have the courage to admit what it is.

And the faith to trust our own admission.

The admitting is often very difficult.

--Julia Cameron

Interestingly, for the majority of us, the greatest obstacle between us and courage is fear, fear that is subcutaneous, fear that chills the marrow of our bones. The very idea of facing “failure” in all of its many hypnotic, paralyzing, forms literally stops us in our tracks; to see a world of impossibilities rather than a world of possibilities. Risk becomes a four letter obscenity that blasphemes that which we believe to represent safety and security. Ridicule and criticism are seen as mountains more formidable than Everest or K2. Vertigo sets in before we take the first step, and becomes justification for embracing the mediocrity that shapes our lives, which paradoxically we will unwittingly, by fiat, defend with that life that fears risk-taking. In a speech given in Paris at the Sorbonne in 1910, Theodore Roosevelt spoke to the possible sacrifice that courage may require of us stating, “It is not the critic who counts, not the man who points out how the strong man stumbled, or where the doer of deeds could have done better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly, who errs and comes short again and again, who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, and spends himself in a worthy cause, who at best knows achievement and who at the worst if he fails at least fails while daring greatly so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat.”

“Heroes to me are guys that sit in libraries.

They absorb knowledge and then the risks

they take are calculated on the basis of

the courage it took to become replete

with knowledge.”

--William Hurt

The writer realizes that there will be some among the readers who will dismiss Roosevelt as being one of bravado and braggadocio persuasion who sees courage as a testosterone-ravaged, male-hero, talisman charging into danger with abandon and guns blazing. Is that the point Roosevelt was actually trying to make, or is it more our perception of what he is saying based upon the commonly proffered legends of the man? To avoid such a misrepresentation of the meaning of courage, and to present a feminine perspective on the subject consider the words of Susan B. Anthony: “Cautious, careful people, always casting about to preserve their reputation and social standing, never can bring about a reform. Those who are really in earnest must be willing to be anything or nothing in the world's estimation, and publicly and privately, in season and out, avow their sympathy with despised and persecuted ideas and their advocates, and bear the consequences.” It is not the intent of the writer to discourage people from properly applying caution, where and when appropriate, to their lives. But, if caution becomes the credo of anyone unwilling to take risks, then its effect is debilitating rather than cautionary. Anne Dillard observed, “You can't test courage cautiously.” As Margaret Chase Smith believed, “Moral cowardice that keeps us from speaking our minds is as dangerous to this country as irresponsible talk. The right way is not always the popular and easy way. Standing for right when it is unpopular is a true test of moral character.” According to Dorothy Thompson, thoughts of courage will not suffice. Instead, the person must translate thought into action. She wrote, “You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot do.”

“Either life entails courage, or it ceases to be life.”

--E. M. Forster

Often rock climbers will find themselves in a challenging situation. They may even momentarily succumb to believing they have landed in the middle of the realm of impossibilities; no way up, no way down; no way out! However, once the wave of fearful emotions is cast ashore and retreats, clarity of purpose returns and the climber calculates the next move and dares to move forward. In a similar fashion, each of us finds ourself clinging to a wall of impossibilities from time to time. We become frightened, frozen in our tracks, unable to think clearly, and seeing no possible route that will lead us beyond this ledge of indecision. As with the climber, we must take a moment to allow the adrenaline to recede and our emotions to subside. Two basic choices avail themselves to us at this point. One, we can continue to cling to the wall of impossibility until we can no longer maintain our grip and then allow ourselves to free-fall into the oblivion of mediocrity. On the other hand, we accept the risk of that next step, and move onward toward our goal.

Accepting the second choice is so very crucial to those committed to achieving one’s life purpose; the reason for being. To this thought, Soren Kierkegaard wrote, “To dare is to lose one's footing momentarily. To not dare is to lose oneself.” Likewise, Gilbert K. Chesterton noted, “The paradox of courage is that a man must be a little careless of his life even in order to keep it.” None of us is certain what awaits us in the future, but if we don’t keep taking one step after another, we will never find out. Mignon McLaughlin wrote in The Neurotic's Notebook, “Courage can't see around corners, but goes around them anyway.” Similarly, Raymond Lindquist noted, “Courage is the power to let go of the familiar.”

“I learned that courage was not the absence of fear,

but the triumph over it.

The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid,

but he who conquers that fear.”

-- Nelson Mandela

Although not the exact opposite of courage, fear is essentially the counterbalance for those making tough choices; demonstrating courage. According to the author of Proverbs, “Fear and courage are brothers.” Too often one creates a false paradigm that portrays courage as the absence of fear. In the vast majority of cases, this is likely not the case. In fact, usually quite the opposite is true. As the World War I flying ace Edward Vernon Rickenbacker shared, “Courage is doing what you're afraid to do. There can be no courage unless you're scared.” Or, as John Wayne put it, “Courage is being scared to death... and saddling up anyway.” Fear, and being afraid, is a natural primeval instinct aimed at keeping the person alive in the presence of danger. But, fear does not have to be the paralyzing, depilating, force that many allow it to be. Arthur Koestler believed, “Courage is never to let your actions be influenced by your fears.” Instead, fear should heighten our senses, and put us more in tune with our environment, and help us to navigate around obstacles between us and our destination. Ambrose Redmoon reminds us, “Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear.” And for those unable, or not ready, to take a big leap of faith and move forward, courage is still important to keep one moving forward, even if we only inch-along toward our destination. Mignon McLaughlin wrote in The Second Neurotic's Notebook, “The only courage that matters is the kind that gets you from one moment to the next.” Along the same line of thought, Harriet Beecher Stowe wrote, “I long to accomplish great and noble tasks, but it is my chief duty to accomplish humble tasks as though they were great and noble. The world is moved along, not only by the mighty shoves of its heroes, but also by the aggregate of the tiny pushes of each honest worker.” Yes, sooner or later, we come to the realization that small things, small efforts, do make a difference. There are no small things!

“Courage easily finds its own eloquence.”

--Titus Maccius Plautus

No matter what is written here, there will still be those among the readers who scoff at the suggestions made thus far, and those yet to be offered. Claiming to be pragmatists and realists, skeptic and cynics, a plethora of reasons will be thrown down as a gauntlet of sorts to disclaim and disprove what they will portray as naiveté. All the better! As Buckminster Fuller declared, “Dare to be naive.” Some among us believe the world could use a good deal more naiveté! Without it we become stagnant, our creativity and genius shriveled and thwarted. Aristotle noted, “Without courage, wisdom bears no fruit.” And as Erich Fromm wrote, “Creativity requires the courage to let go of certainties.” We must allow ourselves to become open, yea even vulnerable, to the world of possibilities that awaits us. As individuals, and as a collective society, we must allow ourselves to be naïve enough to believe and have faith that something better awaits us in the future. But, we must let go of today, if we hope to experience tomorrow. We absolutely must! In the words of Lord Chesterfield, “Man cannot discover new oceans unless he has the courage to lose sight of the shore.” Walt Disney realized and understood this truth when he stated, “All our dreams can come true, if we have the courage to pursue them.” Do you believe this? Can you believe this to be true? Is fear standing between you and your dream? Do you consider all of this vapid blandishment by some starry-eyed idealist? Indeed, this whole chapter may be nothing but the vacuous ranting of some misanthrope hoping to aid in the misery of human disappointment. Are you willing to risk that he isn’t? Clay Aiken related, “My mother taught me that we all have the power to achieve our dreams. What I lacked was the courage.”

"The courage to imagine the otherwise is our greatest resource,

adding color and suspense to all our life."

--Daniel J. Boorstin

C. S. Lewis wrote, “Courage is not simply one of the virtues, but the form of every virtue at the testing point.” To this notion, Maya Angelou added, “Courage is the most important of all the virtues, because without courage you can't practice any other virtue consistently. You can practice any virtue erratically, but nothing consistently without courage.” The priority ranking the reader might wish to bestow upon courage is a personal choice. However, if one believes in the importance of values to, and in, a person’s life, there can be no getting around the importance of courage in the gestalt of human existence. Albert Camus observed, “Those who lack the courage will always find a philosophy to justify it.” If we lack courage in the moment, we must not allow ourselves to be condemned to a life of fear and discouragement. Instead, we must believe that overcoming fear and gaining courage is simply one more of the challenges we each must face in our individual and collective evolution. Hope is something we must cling to dearly. Hope is what helps us to inch our way around that wall of impossibilities. That hope was expressed by Maya Angelou when she stated, “One isn't necessarily born with courage, but one is born with potential.” Marian Wright Edelman, in her book The Trumpet of Conscience wrote, “If you lose hope, somehow you lose the vitality that keeps life moving, you lose that courage to be, that quality that helps you go on in spite of it all. And so today I still have a dream.” Hope with conviction morphs into faith, and as Marcus Tullius Cicero observed, “A man of courage is also full of faith.”

“Take chances, make mistakes.That's how you grow.

Pain nourishes your courage.You have to fail in order

to practice being brave.”

--Mary Tyler Moore

So, we come back to the importance of courage in relation to the other virtues. Clare Boothe Luce suggested, “Courage is the ladder on which all the other virtues mount.” And, as Samuel Johnson acknowledged, “Courage is reckoned the greatest of all virtues; because, unless a man has that virtue, he has no security for preserving any other.” Michel de Montaigne added his perspective, “The strangest, most generous, and proudest of all virtues is true courage.” Yet, the question that must arise from all this acknowledgement of courage’s importance as a value is, “If courage is so important why does there seem to be a scarcity among the general masses?” This is a great question, and no small one to answer. Ralph Waldo Emerson addressed this question in his statement, “The test of courage comes when we are in the minority. The test of tolerance comes when we are in the majority.”

The test of courage frequently becomes even more difficult with those whom we share a greater intimacy. Theodore H. White acknowledged the challenge, writing, “To go against the dominant thinking of your friends, of most of the people you see every day, is perhaps the most difficult act of heroism you can perform.” Surprisingly, the person with courage, the hero, becomes the anti-hero in our society. On one hand the person of courage is admired, on the other s/he is despised. As Hermann Hesse observes, “People with courage and character always seem sinister to the rest.” At first such a perspective seems counter-intuitive. However, if we step back and examine social norms and tendencies it begins to make sense. Rollo May points out that, “The opposite of courage in our society is not cowardice, it is conformity.” Answer the question for yourself; is there pressure to conform in our society? Have you experienced such pressure yourself at any time in your life? Except for those of us who like to delude ourselves, the question is most certainly going to be answered with “yes.”

It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else.

--Erma Bombeck

In contemporary society, deviating from the norm is considered eccentricity. John Stuart Mill spoke to this when he stated, “The amount of eccentricity in a society has generally been proportional to the amount of genius, mental vigor, and moral courage it contained. That so few now dare to be eccentric marks the chief danger of the time.” The person of true courage, that which stands the trials and tribulations that daring to defy the “code of the flock” is sure to bring, is going to have to find the source of strength either in oneself, or a higher power. Speaking to the danger of seeking strength and courage in oneself through that of others, Ralph Waldo Emerson acknowledged, “Every man has his own courage, and is betrayed because he seeks in himself the courage of other persons.” True courage, courage that perseveres, that stands resolute in the face of adversity, comes from within, be it through one’s conscious and subconscious resources, or through connection to a higher source, call it God, or whatever aligns with your own personal belief system. Rollo May noted, “It requires greater courage to preserve inner freedom, to move on in one's inward journey into new realms, than to stand defiantly for outer freedom. It is often easier to play the martyr, as it is to be rash in battle.” As becomes apparent throughout the statements shared in the preceding lines, courage requires much of the person who chooses to pursue it. Everything worthwhile in life comes with an attached cost, and courage is no different. However, for the person who wants to find her purpose in life, to follow her vision, or accomplish her mission, to be what is referred to as being “successful,” sooner or later, will find herself in the cage with the creatures of discouragement. Orison Swett Marden wrote, “Success is not measured by what you accomplish, but by the opposition you have encountered, and the courage with which you have maintained the struggle against overwhelming odds.” Winston Churchill put courage in context to success when he remarked, “Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.” For the majority, extricating oneself from the call to conformity, paddling against the tide of mediocrity, is not worth the investment of personal resources required to do so. The status quo becomes the new gold standard, while entropy slowly works to wither our resolve to be different than the rest of the crowd. For those resolute to display courage in their lives, there is added a special quality to their existence; a beauty. William Congreve recognized this quality of courage when he wrote, “There is in true beauty, as in courage, something which narrow souls cannot dare to admire.”

“If you are lucky enough to find a way of life you love,

you have to find the courage to live it.”

--John Irving

Courage becomes one of the cornerstones to living a life of purpose and meaning. It provides us with the strength to keep on keeping on when the odds against our success seem too great. James Allen understood the foundational qualities of courage when he wrote, “Whether you be man or woman you will never do anything in this world without courage. It is the greatest quality of the mind next to honor.” Thomas S. Monson likewise recognized the importance of courage in a person’s life when he related, “The principles of living greatly include the capacity to face trouble with courage, disappointment with cheerfulness, and trial with humility.” And, as Plutarch acknowledged, “Courage consists not in hazarding without fear; but being resolutely minded in a just cause.” Becoming a person of substance, the person that your core cries out to become, is going to require the person to rally the forces within, and boldly strike out for the intended destination. Helen Keller realized the importance of courage in the life of a successful person. She believed, “With courage you will dare to take risks, have the strength to be compassionate, and the wisdom to be humble. Courage is the foundation of integrity.” As Confucius pointed out, “Wisdom, compassion, and courage are the three universally recognized moral qualities of men.” Alfred North Whitehead also realized the true value of courage to the person of purpose when he stated, “True courage is not the brutal force of vulgar heroes, but the firm resolve of virtue and reason.”

Perhaps it is time to do a reality check. Where do you want to go with your life? What do you hope to accomplish? How do you see courage impacting those decisions? Are you fearful of falling on your face or certain of landing on your feet? Hopefully, you have answered positively all the posed questions. Although often used in the form of a cliché, our outlook, either positive or negative, does have an impact on how things unfold. Think about it for a moment. Which is more reasonable, that one is more likely to experience courage when in a positive, or a negative, frame of mind? You make the decision. Nicholas Murray Butler was clear about the effect that attitude has on courage stating, “Optimism is the foundation of courage.” Tommy Douglas knew the value of a positive attitude as it applies to courage when he said, “Courage, my friends; 'tis not too late to build a better world.”

“If you could get up the courage to begin, you have the courage to succeed.”

--David Viscott

Douglas’ statement is a good segue into bringing all that has been said up to this point to a meaningful closure. Having courage is not enough. For it to have meaning for ourselves and others it must lead to some productive end. Dale Carnegie understood the importance of putting our ideas into action. He wrote, ‘Inaction breeds doubt and fear. Action breeds confidence and courage. If you want to conquer fear, do not sit home and think about it. Go out and get busy.” John F. Kennedy was quoted as saying, “Efforts and courage are not enough without purpose and direction.” And, often times, this means a direction contrary to supported by popular opinion. Albert Einstein applied this thinking in his statement, “Any intelligent fool can make things bigger and more complex... It takes a touch of genius - and a lot of courage to move in the opposite direction.” The idea of genius is believed an important aspect in our consideration of courage and all its facets. Henry Van Dyke observed, “Genius is talent set on fire by courage.”

Courage is not the blanched commodity of the foolhardy, but the seasoned staple of the wise. Joseph Epstein acknowledges the importance of application to setting when he suggested, “Courage is nine-tenths context. What is courageous in one setting can be foolhardy in another and even cowardly in a third.” Unless we get too contextual in our orientation, what has been acknowledged as courage heretofore in this paragraph is courage manifested in the world. Even more important is courage manifested within oneself. François, Duc de La Rochefoucauld wrote in Maxims back in 1678, “Perfect courage means doing unwitnessed what we would be capable of with the world looking on.” This notion of unwitnessed courage carries over in the writings of Karl Von Clausewitz: “Two qualities are indispensable: first, an intellect that, even in the darkest hour, retains some glimmerings of the inner light which leads to truth; and second, the courage to follow this faint light wherever it may lead.” Although courage can be a shared phenomenon, its greatest strength still appears to be manifested in the actions of individuals. As Robert Green Ingersoll pointed out, “It is a blessed thing that in every age someone has had the individuality enough and courage enough to stand by his own convictions.”

“Hope lies in dreams, in imagination, and in the courage

of those who dare to make dreams into reality.”

--Jonas Salk

With every entry into the Children’s Champion’s writings comes the question, “How does this apply to our interactions with children. Advocating for children requires great courage on the part of those who will take a stand for the rights and welfare of children. Courage is also one of the values we hope will become part of each child’s reality, not an anomaly. Mary McLeod Bethune observed, “We have a powerful potential in our youth, and we must have the courage to change old ideas and practices so that we may direct their power toward good ends.” In a world appearing geared toward mediocrity, being creative in our approach to helping children takes on risks of its own. Henri Matisse observed, “Creativity takes courage.” Yet it all goes back to our purpose, our mission, our reason for doing whatever it is that we are doing or feel driven to do. Margaret J. Wheatley ties it together stating, “Determination, energy, and courage appear spontaneously when we care deeply about something. We take risks that are unimaginable in any other context.” Or, as stated by Maxwell Maltz of Psycho-cybernetics acclaim, “We must have courage to bet on our ideas, to take the calculated risk, and to act. Everyday living requires courage if life is to be effective and bring happiness.” As caretakers of our children’s education and growth we cannot allow to happen that which Sydney Smith speaks to: “A great deal of talent is lost to the world for want of a little courage. Every day sends to their graves obscure men whose timidity prevented them from making a first effort.” We simply cannot allow that to become reality for our children!

“Real courage is when you know you're licked before you begin,

but you begin anyway and see it through no matter what.

--Harper Lee

“Courage is the capacity to confront what can be imagined.”

--Leo Rosten

“To me, there is no greater act of courage

than being the one who kisses first.”

--Janeane Garofalo

Core Value - Friendship

"Bet you've made alot of friends on this walk?

I am not sure they're friends, I say.

But I've met alot of people I'm gonna miss.

Yeah, he says, licking the cigarette again.

People come and people go.

But friends are hard to find."

-Jerry Ellis, Walking the Trail

Nothing but heaven itself is better than a friend who is really a friend.

--Plautus

We call that person who has lost his father, an orphan;

and a widower that man who has lost his wife.

But that man who has known the immense unhappiness

of losing a friend, by what name do we call him?

Here every language is silent and holds its peace in impotence.

--Joseph Roux

In everyone's life, at some time, our inner fire goes out.

It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being.

We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit.

--Albert Schweitzer

 

Saint Thomas Aquinas wrote, “There is nothing on this earth more to be prized than true friendship.” How about you? What value do you place on “friendship?” Even more importantly, how do you define “friendship?” Friend and friendship are two very important, even sacred, words and concepts in the life of the writer. He neither calls someone “friend,” nor entertains entering into a “friendship” relationship without great reflection and a great deal of caution. He believes that both terms, and their supporting conceptualizations, have been reduced to mere social hyperbole by many in our society. Of course, as always, it is up to the reader to determine the meaning and value of these words and concepts, but the writer would simply ask each individual reader to take some time to truly evaluate the friendships in his/her life, and determine the depth and breadth of the associated relationships.

The late theologian Henri Nouwen observed, “When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives means the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand.” In a similar framing of friendship, Samuel Johnson noted, "We cannot tell the precise moment when friendship is formed. As in filling a vessel drop by drop, there is at last a drop which makes it run over; so in a series of kindnesses there is at last one which makes the heart run over." Ever hear the phrase “quick friends?” In such a case are we more accurate saying “we quickly came to like each other,” or something of comparable social worth? The ancient Greek philosopher, Aristotle, knew of this human motivation and shared, “Wishing to be friends is quick work, but friendship is a slow ripening fruit.”

In our contemporary, fast paced, instant gratification world, anything requiring patience and investment of effort seems so contrary to where we are going as a species. Perhaps those of us who are totally committed to living in such a world are satisfied with shallow relationships. Hopefully, there are still a few among us who believe that a relationship with another warrants what is necessary to make it truly lasting and meaningful. As Aristotle noted, "What is a friend? A single soul in two bodies." What is your reaction or response to that thought? Does being a friend to, and with, someone carry that level of credential? It does for the writer. That is why he believes it to be so sacred; inviolate. St. Jerome was quoted as saying, “The friendship that can cease has never been real.” These are powerful thoughts handed down over the centuries by some of humankind’s great thinkers. But, if their words seem to weigh on your mind a bit too heavily, then consider the line from The Little Rascals, "You only meet your once in a lifetime friend... once in a lifetime." Or, as the line from Fried Green Tomatoes expresses it, "You just reminded me of what's really important in life, friends, best friends."

Regardless of the scales one uses to determine the meaning and value of friendship, it would seem safe to speculate that most friendships are spawned by a parentage of need, a need for something or someone. Antoine de Sainte-Exupery believed, "There is no hope of joy except in human relations." Yet, as Charles Caleb Colton observed, "True friendship is like sound health; the value of it is seldom known until it be lost." James Fenimore Cooper believed that friendship was literally the wellspring of a person’s life, noting, "Friendship that flows from the heart cannot be frozen by adversity, as the water that flows from the spring cannot congeal in winter."

Our current society frequently tunes into the “success channel” with the intention of getting ahead, accruing wealth and/or status, or living the “good life.” Although social and economic structures try to determine the measures of human success, each of us has the opportunity to measure success in our own lives. Edward Everett Hale believed that friendship plays an important role in determining an individual’s success stating, "The making of friends, who are real friends, is the best token we have of a man's success in life." Aristotle expressed much the same sentiment in these words, "Without friends no one would choose to live, though he had all other goods." For both Hale and Aristotle, the value of friendship would approach the state of being immeasurable. In measuring the value of friends in your life, are your scales similar to those used Hale and Aristotle?

The writer does not wish to diminish the “success mentality,” only urge the reader to examine what success truly means in one’s life, and how it contributes to the fulfillment of the individual’s purpose in life. Anais Nin believed, "Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born." If one is open to the intimacy that friendship brings, s/he might prefer Fred Rogers’ take on friendship, “If you’re trusted and people will allow you to share their inner garden...what better gift?"

 

Henry David Thoreau understood the gift that friendship represented in one’s interactions with another. He wrote, "The most I can do for my friend is simply to be his friend. I have no wealth to bestow on him. If he knows that I am happy in loving him, he will want no other reward. Is not friendship divine in this?" The words of Thoreau hold great power for the writer. Thoreau recognized the spiritual value of such an intimate relationship with another; its divinity. Thoreau also noted, “The language of friendship is not words but meanings.” One also needs to remember the power of a gift is that is affects both the giver and receiver. Walt Whitman reflected upon the importance of friendship from the recipient’s perspective when he shared, "I no doubt deserved my enemies, but I don't believe I deserved my friends." If the thoughts shared above in this paragraph don’t move you at least a little bit emotionally, then perhaps as comedian Joan Rivers likes to say, “We need to talk!

For those who do not wish to enter into a consideration of the ethereal, spiritual, value of friendship, perhaps a more hedonistic perspective such as that of Robert Louis Stevenson might prove to be more practical; "A friend is a gift you give yourself." Examining things from the flip perspective, contemporary writer Richard Bach wrote, "Every gift from a friend is a wish for your happiness..." Or getting down to the bottom tier of Bloom’s Taxonomy, C. S. Lewis conjectured, "Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art... It has no survival value; rather is one of those things that give value to survival."

Friendship to George Eliot held a similar survival quality as shared in his thought, "No soul is desolate as long as there is a human being for whom it can feel trust and reverence." Similarly, Anatole Broyard offered, "When friends stop being frank and useful to each other, the whole world loses some of its radiance." This last statement, and perhaps the whole exchange on friendship, may irritate those who cling to the delusion of being “self-made.” Like it or not, we are going to influence and affect others, as we are going to be influenced and affected by others. The positive influence of friendship would seem preferable to that of something less positive.

However, the concept of friendship does not come without certain cautions. As the Buddha realized, “An insincere and evil friend is more to be feared than a wild beast; a wild beast may wound your body, but an evil friend will wound your mind.” At first blush, the Buddha’s statement might give those wary of friendship grounds for their perspective. Instead, the writer would suggest, the Buddha’s comment guides us back to the beginning of our discussion of friendship, and the importance of determining the true value of friendship and the precautions needed to be observed before endearing someone by referring to them as “friend.” The writer believes Oliver Wendell Holmes, comes closer to his take on the Buddha’s precautionary message when he wrote, "Except in cases of necessity, which are rare, leave your friend to learn unpleasant things from his enemies; they are ready enough to tell them."

The only way to have a friend is to be one.

--Ralph Waldo Emerson

As with all entries, we believe we are obligated to apply the topic being examined to the lives of children. Friends, and friendships, are something readily observable as being important to children. As teachers and mentors – please remember all of us are teachers and mentors – we must first become friends with ourselves. Eleanor Roosevelt believed, "Friendship with oneself is all-important because without it one cannot be friends with anyone else in the world." To some that observation might seem absurd, but reflect upon it for awhile and perhaps its true meaning and importance might begin to take root in your heart and mind. Are we at peace with ourselves? Are we friends with ourselves, or are we truly our own worst enemy?

Henry Ford stated, "My best friend is the one who brings out the best in me." John Boyle O'Reilly expands Ford’s thought noting, "Too late we learn, a man must hold his friend unjudged, accepted, trusted to the end." As teachers and mentors, do we have the right to expect others, especially the children under our care, to be friends with themselves and others, if we are not similarly friends with ourselves? Believe what you wish, but the Children’s Champion believes children recognize authenticity when they see and experience it. Our reality in their presence is only masked by our own insecurities and self delusion.

Muhammad Ali observed, “Friendship... is not something you learn in school. But if you haven't learned the meaning of friendship, you really haven't learned anything.” For those of you working in schools, how do you feel about Ali’s comment? Why do you agree or disagree? If you agree, why shouldn’t friendship be part of the curricular menu; an important ingredient? Benjamin Disraeli recognized the value of friendship in his early years noting, "There is magic in the memory of schoolboy friendships; it softens the heart, and even affects the nervous system of those who have no heart." Childhood memories for many among us are much the same as Thomas Jefferson’s, "The happiest moments my heart knows are those in which it is pouring forth its affections to a few esteemed characters." Too late in life, many of us learned what we should have learned and experienced as children. Childhood friendships can add value and meaning to our lives as well as those experienced in adult life. Benjamin Disraeli believed, "The greatest good you can do for another is not just share your riches, but to reveal to him, his own."

Similarly, Goethe observed, "Treat people as if they were what they ought to be and you help them to become what they are capable of being." Much the same, the contemporary icon Cher acknowledged, "I can trust my friends. These people force me to examine, encourage me to grow." The writer contends this relationship between one and his/or her close intimates begins in childhood, and is not reserved only for the adults. Cicero declared, "Thus nature has no love for solitude, and always leans, as it were, on some support; and the sweetest support is found in the most intimate friendship." Are we so selfish and arrogant to believe that which Cicero addresses regarding friendship is reserved only for those who manage to survive childhood? Are we willing to accept Ali’s observation, or do we believe true friendship is something way to important to be left to chance? The choice to nurture friendship among children lies within each of us. We get to choose. You get to choose.

The Children’s Champion believes that helping children to understand and explore the concepts of friends and friendships is both a duty and obligation. As adults we come to recognize the value a “true friend” can add to our lives. Just think how powerful a benefit we can add to our children’s development by, at least, helping them to explore these concepts. Bullying has become the contemporary scourge of society. We choose not to get into the debate of what bullying is, or isn’t, in this posting, but the writer would ask the reader to consider this possibility. Would it be more productive to help children understand positive peer interactions, and the benefits of friendship and friendly interactions, rather than to focus on the “don’ts” of getting along with one’s peers. Bullying prevention programs may reduce the number of observable negative social interactions between children – and/or adults – but unless we are willing to genuinely venture into the realm of relationships, true relationships, with children, our attempts at thwarting the inappropriate behaviors we put under the umbrella of “bullying” are often merely suppressed, only to emerge at a later date, rather than remedied. To this thought, we conclude with the words of the Marquise de Sevigne, "True friendship is never serene."

"I'd like to be the sort of friend that you have been to me.

I'd like to be the help that you've been always glad to be;

I'd like to mean as much to you each minute of the day,

as you have meant, old friend of mine,

 to me along the way."

- Edgar A. Guest

Core Value - Honesty

The greatest truth is honesty, and the greatest falsehood is dishonesty.

-- Abu Bakr

"It is discouraging how many people are shocked by honesty

and how few by deceit."

--Noel Coward

Some who read this entry might be confused as to why we are dealing with honesty as a core value when earlier we dedicated an entry to truth. Aren't they one and the same? The writer will leave it to the reader to discern whether s/he equates the two. Honesty, for the writer, puts truth into action; conjunction of noun and verb. Truth, if not applied as honesty, is much the same as knowledge left dormant; neither serves much purpose. Truth holds us accountable. Honesty makes us accountable.
 
Supporting the perspective of honesty as putting truth into action, Johann Wolfgang von Goethe related, “Thinking is easy, acting is difficult, and to put one's thoughts into action is the most difficult thing in the world.” As applied to the concepts of truth and honesty, Spencer Johnson noted, “Integrity is telling myself the truth. And honesty is telling the truth to other people.”

 The person who acknowledges honesty as a core value understands how fundamental honesty is to their definition of "self." It is as much a part of who they are as is any part of their corporal being. It defines who and what they are in all aspects of their lives. The late Mary Kay Ash said of honesty, “Honesty is the cornerstone of all success, without which confidence and ability to perform shall cease to exist.” Similarly, success guru Zig Ziglar observed, "The foundation stones for a balanced success are honesty, character, integrity, faith, love and loyalty."

 One of the fruits of honesty is confidence, both in one's self, and in others' ability to be honest. Franklin D. Roosevelt concluded, "Confidence... thrives on honesty, on honor, on the sacredness of obligations, on faithful protection and on unselfish performance. Without them it cannot live." As tied to personal integrity, Michel de Montaigne wrote, "Confidence in others' honesty is no light testimony of one's own integrity." Having confidence in another's honesty is no small challenge, but if we are unable to do so, then how can we believe in such values as trust and truth? Nathaniel Hawthorne suggested, "All men profess honesty as long as they can. To believe all men honest would be folly. To believe none so is something worse." Our core values must not be treated as step-children. Rather, for any of them to hold meaning, they must be embraced as the sacred offspring of our soul and spirit. If having and honoring core values is considered optional, how can we justify our existence on earth, or our worth in terms of contribution to the human race?

 What stands in the way of honesty? What are we afraid of when we choose to not tell the truth, or lie, rather than to express the truth honestly? Perhaps part of the problem rests in what O. Henry wrote a century ago in Rolling Stones, "There is no well-defined boundary between honesty and dishonesty. The frontiers of one blend with the outside limits of the other, and he who attempts to tread this dangerous ground may be sometimes in one domain and sometimes in the other." As great as one's fear of being honest might be, the alternative would seem even worse. Tad Williams proposed, “We tell lies when we are afraid …afraid of what we don't know, of what others will think, afraid of what will be found out about us. But every time we tell a lie, the thing that we fear grows stronger.” Thomas Paine, writing in The Age of Reason, observed, "It is impossible to calculate the moral mischief, if I may so express it, that mental lying has produced in society. When a man has so far corrupted and prostituted the chastity of his mind as to subscribe his professional belief to things he does not believe, he has prepared himself for the commission of every other crime."

 Expanding beyond the boundaries of "self," what is the impact of one's honesty, or dishonesty, on the relationships the person has with others? Ralph Waldo Emerson believed the highest compact a person can make with another human being is, "Let there be truth between us two forevermore." Each party in a relationship must come to it with their own yardstick, or set of scales, to determine its worth. An unknown author noted, "Some people will not tolerate such emotional honesty in communication. They would rather defend their dishonesty on the grounds that it might hurt others. Therefore, having rationalized their phoniness into nobility, they settle for superficial relationships."

 It doesn't take much insight to realize that without honesty in our relationships, there is little, to no, chance for intimacy to exist, or flourish. As Ray Blanton notes, "Honesty does not always bring a response of love, but it is absolutely essential to it." If intimacy is what the person is seeking in a particular relationship, then the words of Goethe might have meaning. He stated, “What is uttered from the heart alone, Will win the hearts of others to your own.” Although Charles Dickens would likely disagree, Paulo Coelho felt, "No one can lie; no one can hide anything, when he looks directly into someone's eyes.” The eyes, as the windows of our soul, are revealing in many ways of their owner. However, one must remember, to look directly into someone's eyes allows the other person to do likewise. As adults we often ask, or demand, a child to "look us in the eye." Remember; when we do so, we may well be opening up a part of us to the child that we might not truly wish to reveal to him, or her. Proceed cautiously, and honestly. As author Richard Bach wrote, "Your conscience is the measure of the honesty of your selfishness. Listen to it carefully."

"It is not difficult to deceive the first time,

for the deceived possesses no antibodies;

unvaccinated by suspicion, she overlooks lateness,

accepts absurd excuses, permits the flimsiest

patching to repair great rents in the quotidian."

~John Updike

The debt of being other than honest can be realized as something even greater; something more universal. Rospo Pallenberg and John Boorman wrote in Excalibur, "When a man lies, he murders some part of the world." Again, buy-in to this perspective is the option of the individual, but, at the very least, it should cause one to pause and reflect for a moment or two about the damage, or possible damage, that s/he may have wreaked if dishonesty was selected in lieu of honesty. It is interesting that the concept of "brutal honesty" has been allowed to become accepted by many as a quality of honesty; one that is best avoided unless we choose to use it as a weapon against another. Certainly, an individual may choose to present some element of truth in such a way to do harm to another. As Bertrand Russell noted, "If we were all given by magic the power to read each other's thoughts, I suppose the first effect would be to dissolve all friendships." The writer chooses to believe that far more friendships are formed, maintained, and, even, salvaged as a result of honesty between individuals than have been damaged or destroyed. Lest we get too Pollyannaish about people's intentions as applied to the use of honesty, we might consider the words of Dave Van Ronk, “Honesty is the cruelest game of all, because not only can you hurt someone - and hurt them to the bone - you can feel self-righteous about it at the same time.” Honesty, much like the scalpel, can heal, or can do serious harm, or even kill a person based on the intention of the one who wields it.

Let's take a closer look at how the core value of honesty plays in our interaction and relationship with children. Interestingly, Oliver Wendell Homes wrote, "Pretty much all the honest truth telling in the world is done by children." In a similar fashion Mira Nair shared, "I always like to reveal the fact that the emperor has no clothes. And children are best at that. They teach us how to see the world in that sense. They are without artifice; they see it for what it is. I am drawn to that ruthless honesty." But, didn't we all start out as children? Then what happened that allowed dishonesty to overcome the child's propensity toward honesty?

 One plausible response might be that the children have all too well learned the ways of many adults in their life's sphere. If the reader accepts this as an acceptable possibility, then as adults we are obligated to prepare children to become honest individuals. Jose Marti suggests, "A child, from the time he can think, should think about all he sees, should suffer for all who cannot live with honesty, should work so that all men can be honest, and should be honest himself." For those of us who advocate for children this suggestion makes good sense. After all, as John Ruskin penned, "To make your children capable of honesty is the beginning of education." Plutarch was aware of the close connection between a child's formal and informal learning, and the inculcating of the value of honesty into an individual's life. He was quoted as saying, "The very spring and root of honesty and virtue lie in good education." Centuries later Thomas Jefferson would write, "Honesty is the first chapter of the book of wisdom."
 

Unfortunately, we come to believe that we must somehow encapsulate a value such as honesty into some form of tangible capital. The old American sage Benjamin Franklin is given credit for the saying "Honesty is the best policy." Robert E. Lee blanched at Franklin's statement stating, “The trite saying that honesty is the best policy has met with the just criticism that honesty is not policy. The real honest man is honest from conviction of what is right, not from policy.” Honesty, much the same as any other value or moral, is difficult to legislate or to adjudicate. The fundamental responsibility lies much deeper than what setting of superficial parameters can respond to adequately. Applying Lee's line of thought to our obligation to our children, George Bernard Shaw wrote, “We must make the world honest before we can honestly say to our children that honesty is the best policy.”
 

Therein lies a major challenge to the adult members of our society; making the world honest. The challenge is finding the redeeming value in, and of, honesty. A society fixated on tangible values often finds difficulty in understanding and accepting the inherent value of what it considers intangible. Josh Billings suggests. "Honesty is the rarest wealth anyone can possess, and yet all the honesty in the world ain't lawful tender for a loaf of bread." For honesty to claim its true and ultimate value, we have to see it as something far greater than coinage. William Shakespeare may have been writing to this very line of reasoning when he wrote, “No legacy is so rich as honesty.” After all, even for those whose religion has as its missal an accountant's balance ledger, and its hymnal the stock market report, leaving a legacy is important. And as Kate Hudson reminds us, "Honesty will never break you."

 

"Almost any difficulty will move in the face of honesty.

When I am honest I never feel stupid.

And when I am honest I am automatically humble."

--Hugh Prather

"Irony is just honesty with the volume cranked up."

--George Saunders

Core Value - Truth

"Truth is powerful and it prevails."

--Sojourner Truth

"Truth is our element"

--Ralph Waldo Emerson

Chris Thurman, in his book The 12 Best Kept Secrets for Living an Emotionally Health Life writes, "Whether you realize it or not, truth is the most important issue in your life. It is more important than what you do for a living, who you are married to, or what you earn. I am convinced that truth is the bottom line of life. You cannot have "real life" without truth." Like the core value of trust, truth is believed by the writer to be considered inviolate. No, it is not the intention of this entry to come across as sanctimonious dribble, but it is believed that where an individual stands in regards to his/her beliefs about truth, and how it plays out in his/her own life speaks volumes about how that person perceives such human qualities as trust, character, respect, and dignity.

Ayn Rand noted, “The truth is not for all [men], but only for those who seek it.” In a like manner, Albert Einstein observed, “The search for truth is more precious than its possession.” Katherine Mansfield believed the risk in dealing with the truth matters enough that she said, “Risk! Risk anything! Care no more for the opinions of others, for those voices. Do the hardest thing on earth for you. Act for yourself. Face the truth.” Taking a more global perspective on the subject of truth and the risks associated with it, William Sloane Coffin stated, "The world is too dangerous for anything but truth and too small for anything but love."

Edmund Burke believed he knew where to find truth, but also believed finding it came with certain conditions. Burke wrote, "Truth resides in every human heart, and one has to search for it there, and to be guided by truth as one sees it. But no one has a right to coerce others to act according to his own view of truth." The problem with Burke's perspective, at least to some, is the suggestion of multiple truths, rather than a single "truth." Aside from the parochial Christian belief that Jesus Christ is the ultimate "Truth," the concept that there may be more that one truth is likely to create dissonance it the minds of the seekers. Perhaps this was partially what Oscar Wilde had in mind when he observed, “The truth is rarely pure and never simple.” In addition, Linda Ellinor was reported as saying, “What you perceive, your observations, feelings, interpretations, are all your truth. Your truth is important. Yet it is not The Truth.”

Perhaps one of the more difficult realizations for those who seek "truth" is the very fact that is has to be sought in the first place. Rational thought would have us believe, if truth is so concrete, then why is it not just downright obvious? The person seeking truth might first try to understand the obstacles that may await them along the way. Long ago, Tertullian, voiced the opinion that, “The first reaction to truth is hatred.” It is understandable that upon hearing such a perspective, a person might be hesitant to begin the search, or terminate it if already underway. But, as C.S. Lewis wrote regarding the seeking of truth, “If you look for truth, you may find comfort in the end; if you look for comfort you will not get either comfort or truth only soft soap and wishful thinking to begin, and in the end, despair.”

As Lewis notes, the pursuit of truth may pay off in the long run, but each individual has to weigh whether, or not, it is worth the risk. Dorothy Thompson speaking to such risk, suggested, "There is nothing to fear except the persistent refusal to find out the truth, the persistent refusal to analyze the causes of happenings." There was no doubt in Clarence Darrow's mind about pursuit of truth when he stated, "Chase after the truth like all hell and you'll free yourself, even though you never touch its coattails." Addressed a tad less flamboyantly than by Darrow, Max Planck related, "It is not the possession of truth, but the success which attends the seeking after it, that enriches the seeker and brings happiness to him. The British statesman Winston Churchill added his thoughts on the subject, “The truth is incontrovertible, malice may attack it, ignorance may deride it, but in the end; there it is.”

Just as with trust, the examination of the core value "truth" must begin at the individual level, looking within, before venturing without. Seeking truth, especially one's own awareness of truth, requires that stalwart ingredient associated previously with trust; courage. Acknowledging the risk involved in seeking one's truth, and/or the universal truth, one must call upon their fortitude to venture forward. Maya Angelou is aware of the importance of courage in seeking the truth, and writes, "One isn't necessarily born with courage, but one is born with potential. Without courage, we cannot practice any other virtue with consistency. We can't be kind, true, merciful, generous, or honest." Along this line of thought Virginia Wolf made the observation, "If you do not tell the truth about yourself you cannot tell it about other people."

A typical response to this suggestion might be "ouch!" Meaningful personal development and growth seldom come without an associated cost factor, but as an unknown author shared, “Unless your heart, your soul, and your whole being are behind every decision you make, the words from your mouth will be empty." In a similar fashion, Apple Computer's Steve Jobs said, “Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of other's opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary, and each action will be meaningless. Truth and confidence are the roots of happiness.”

Earlier, Albert Einstein  was much of the same mind as Jobs confiding, "The ideals which have lighted me on my way and time after time given me new courage to face life cheerfully, have been Truth, Goodness, and Beauty. . . . The ordinary objects of human endeavor -- property, outward success, luxury -- have always seemed to me contemptible." Still, even earlier, the Buddha shared with his followers, "Believe nothing just because a so-called wise person said it. Believe nothing just because a belief is generally held. Believe nothing just because it is said in ancient books. Believe nothing just because it is said to be of divine origin. Believe nothing just because someone else believes it. Believe only what you yourself test and judge to be true." Regardless of how one words it, the journey towards truth must first turn inward, before advancing into what lies outward. The hope is that the person finds the truth that lies within in order to begin sharing with, and helping, others to discover their own truth.

The Children's Champion believes truth and truthfulness are as important, if not more important, in our dealings with children, as in any other life endeavor. Advocates for children cannot believe anything other than the innocence of children upon being born. Just as with trust, children learn to deal with matters of truth by the living examples around them, primarily parents and other close family members. As the caretakers of young minds, we must be ever vigilante of the example we set for them. Otherwise, we become but caricatures in a play based on folly at best; vice at worse. Albert Einstein observed, “Whoever is careless with the truth in small matters cannot be trusted with important matters.” Although the moral and ethical rearing of children is no "small matter," Einstein's point is still very relevant to the current discussion. If we are careless with truth in our dealings with children, how on earth can we be trusted to be truthful in any other aspect of life?

Being "truthful" with, and around, children is not all that is required of us. Mahatma Gandhi believed, "Whenever you have truth it must be given with love, or the message and the messenger will be rejected.” Thoreau, in a similar fashion wrote, "The only way to tell the truth is to speak with kindness. Only the words of a loving man can be heard.” The civil rights leader Martin Luther King, Jr., although speaking to a much broader audience, was still on the same wavelength when he said, "I believe that unarmed truth and unconditional love will have the final word in reality. This is why right, temporarily defeated, is stronger than evil triumphant." In simple language, it is more than just the message. It is the spirit and manner in which it is given. If we lack sincerity and honorable intention, then our words and actions will be but a shadowy, shallow, betrayal of truth, whether we recognize and accept it as such, or not.

The writer recognizes that some readers will consider the association of love and kindness with truth as soppy sentimentalism. The choice of how one wishes to respond to anything offered herein is always the reader’s option; however, the Children’s Champion chooses to go with the thoughts of Benjamin Disraeli, “Never apologize for showing feeling. When you do so, you apologize for the truth.”

The wise individual will consider both the effect and affect of his or her decisions and actions. Why should it be any different when addressing the issue of truth? As Ralph Waldo Emerson wrote, “Truth, and goodness, and beauty are but different faces of the same all.” Except for the most diehard stoic, the truth can be a very emotionally difficult matter at times. Children, unless artificially hardened - and many of them are, unfortunately - understand that telling the truth can be an emotionally painful experience. You don’t believe that statement? Then why do children, and many adults, come to believe that it is easier to lie at times than to tell the truth? As adults, we must be willing to recognize that being truthful can, and often does, make one vulnerable. Edward R. Murrow once observed, “Most truths are so naked that people feel sorry for them and cover them up, at least a little bit.” How many of us dread standing in front of the bathroom mirror naked because of the image that is reflected back at us. If we can’t handle that “truth,” then how can we expect to honorably and responsibly address other matters of truth?

When we can recognize the universal transforming power of truth, and infuse the power of truth into our dealings with each other, especially children, we not only become exceptional role models, we hold within our hands the power to truly transform our world; our own truth. As George Orwell wrote, “In a time of universal deceit, telling the truth becomes a revolutionary act.” Imagine that, we can become a revolutionary by consciously transcending falsehood, and telling and living the truth, even if it is our own truth. Emily Dickinson recognized, “Truth is such a rare thing, it is delighted to tell it.” Or in the words of Pearl S. Buck, “The truth is always exciting. Speak it, then. Life is dull without it.”

"Truth is not only violated by falsehood;

it may be equally outraged by silence."

-- Henri-Frederic Amiel

"The great enemy of the truth is very often not the lie

 -- deliberate, contrived and dishonest --

but the myth -- persistent,

persuasive and unrealistic."

-- John F. Kennedy

"The beginning of wisdom is found in doubting;

by doubting we come to the question,

and by seeking we may come upon the truth."

--Pierre Abelard