On this Valentine's Day, it seems fitting to do an entry on the central theme of the day; Love. Whenever I think about how one expresses and applies love, especially to our children, the following quote frequently comes to mind:
“Love is patient, love is kind,
love is not envious or boastful or arrogant or rude.
It does not insist on its own way, it is not irritable or resentful,
it does not rejoice in wrong doing, but rejoices in the truth.
It bears all things, believes in all things,
hopes all things, endures all things.
Love never ends.”
~ Saint Paul~
Loving our children is so fundamental to their healthy psychic and social development it cannot be replaced with any viable substitute. In so many ways how we are loved as children will determine who and what we become as adults. How we love our children will, in so many ways, determine who and what we are as adults. As Saint Paul reminds us, love - unequivocal love - often is very difficult to give and/or receive. However, in the end, can any of us truly proclaim that the effort is not worthy of the reward? Unfortunately, in contemporary society there are dark and perverse individuals among the adult generations that have a most inappropriate attraction to children - "Pedophilia." It is especially unfortunate because it puts all of us on guard in our expressions of love for, and toward, children lest we be suspicioned to harbor such predatory intentions. Even more unfortunate, as with so many things in our lives, because of a few miscreant, ill-intentioned, individuals, we all suffer. In this case, children, who are often in great need of positive and healthy expressions of love from the adults in their lives, may never, or seldom, experience the joy and support that only love can bring.
May all of us have as a goal for our lives to take a stand against all forms of child predation - abuse, neglect, and all forms of child related harm - in order that, as a society, we can safely nurture and love our children as they should be loved. It seems worth repeating: "...it [love] does not rejoice in wrong doing, but rejoices in the truth." May we all be dedicated to rejoicing in the truth.
Writing about "grace" has been on my "to-do" list for almost two years. As one involved in public education for more than 40 years, I believe that in many of our educational settings we have allowed grace to be replaced with a coarser, more sterile, approach to our dealings with each other, and, more importantly, with the children entrusted to our care. Please do not consider this observation as either a criticism of the institutions or their personnel, rather a concern that, if not careful, all of us will lose an element that is so vital to a healthy educational environment, and our humanity.
Before proceeding any further, let me clarify what I am referring to when I speak of "grace" in the context of this document. Jack Winspear, I believe, states it very well, “Grace isn't a little prayer you chant before receiving a meal. It's a way to live.” Not that the former is not important, it is simply a different concept than the one we will be exploring here. Some of you will remember a similar perspective shared in the recent movie The Karate Kid (2010) when Jackie Chan's character - Mr. Han - defines "Kung fu" to his student - Dre Parker: "Kung fu lives in everything we do! It lives in how we put on the jacket, how we take off the jacket. It lives in how we treat people. Everything is Kung Fu." Quite similarly, grace, or its absence, in the life of individuals, in my opinion, has a great deal in determining who they are, and what kind of persons they become. Karl Barth animates grace when he suggests, "Grace must find expression in life, otherwise it is not grace."
Many of you reading this entry may be able to discuss the essential elements of grace better than I will do in the following paragraphs. That is wonderful! I hope that you will be motivated to join in the discussion and add your thoughts and insights on the subject. Personally, I believe much about grace remains a mystery to the human psyche, and I am in agreement with Anne Lamott when she notes, "I do not at all understand the mystery of grace - only that it meets us where we are but does not leave us where it found us." However, for many of us, leaving the concept of grace to remain a mystery is disconcerting, and our natural tendency is to reach for something more concrete; a definition or description. Therefore, let's examine some attempts at extracting grace from the realm of mystery, while giving it understandable shape and form.
Our first challenge at coming to a clear definition and/or description is that our best attempts may still leave some readers unfulfilled due to the intangible and esoteric qualities of the phenomenon. For example, William Hazlitt's attempt to define grace, "Grace has been defined as the outward expression of the inward harmony of the soul," may still not meet the test of clarification for those who are more comfortable with something that can be analytically assessed and measured. For those seeking that level of explanation, the closest I can provide at this juncture, might best be expressed in the following two quotes:
"This is how I define grace: you're on the main stage, and it looks like it has been rehearsed 100 times, everything goes so smoothly. That's where I get my confidence and success, from knowing that I have an edge because I know I'm prepared."
~Alex Rodriguez
"Grace is the very opposite of merit... Grace is not only undeserved favor, but it is favor, shown to the one who has deserved the very opposite."
~Harry Ironside
Of grace, the actress Marlene Dietrich spoke to the alchemy resulting from the combining of courage with grace stating, "Courage and grace are a formidable mixture." Ernest Hemingway refined the courage-grace formula a bit, from his perspective, writing, "Courage is grace under pressure. Being of a somewhat different mind, Friedrich Schiller suggested, "Grace is the beauty of form under the influence of freedom." So there you have it. You may take your choice. You may choose to consider grace to be an expression of compression, or expansion. Either choice ultimately will lead to a similar observation that grace is best expressed through action rather than a state of stasis.
A higher level of thought concerning grace reveals its transformative and transcendent qualities. Although some readers may find Yrjo Kallinen's attempt at explaining the meaning of grace a mite too esoteric to fully appreciate, it is believed to add welcome value to our current discussion. If nothing else it is beautiful and graceful in and of itself. Kallinen writes of grace:
"Grace means more than gifts. In grace something is transcended, once and for all, overcome. Grace happens in spite of something; it happens in spite of separateness and alienation. Grace means that life is once again united with life, self is reconciled with self. Grace means accepting the abandoned one. Grace transforms fate into a meaningful vocation. It transforms guilt to trust and courage. The word grace has something triumphant in it."
The full value and influence of grace gains significance the more it expands from the realm of the individual, permeating the collective social and cultural consciousness. As Barth noted above, grace must find its expression in life. Therefore, grace, even "grace observed," involves others. Obligingly, or not, if we are to individually work toward the attainment of grace in our lives the "others" must be considered in order to truly attain our goal.
As is so often the case in the human being's effort to attain some level of personal development, s/he must start with small steps and small efforts. Henry Harland speaks to this thought with his question, "Do you know that the ready concession of minor points is a part of the grace of life?" The idea of our starting out small is also expressed by Jennifer James in her observation, "The accumulation of small, optimistic acts produces quality in our culture and in your life. Our culture resonates in tense times to individual acts of grace."
The journey towards grace often requires many sacrifices, and a resignation to the realization that many things in life cannot be controlled by the individual. Yet that should not discourage the individual, or collective group, from journeying forward. Discernment becomes a very important attribute in our decision-making, and assists in our determination of which obstacles to our efforts are accepted, and which are challenged. Speaking to restrictions often encountered under the guise of laws of one form or another, and how one should advance towards grace through that maze, Joseph Fletcher is of the opinion, "The motive and purpose behind the law... is to make it clear exactly how much you must do and no more. Grace refuses to put a ceiling or a floor on concern for the neighbor." Similarly, William Hazlitt, gives the sense that demonstrating grace puts one "in the moment," or in the natural "flow" of life, in his often quoted statement, "Grace is the absence of everything that indicates pain or difficulty, hesitation or incongruity."
It naturally follows that in order to attain the level of grace we are attempting to paint in our discussion selflessness must replace selfishness in our lives and in our actions. Sri Sathya Sai Baba is relatively straightforward in this notion of moving toward selflessness in his statement, "The minimum qualification for Grace [is] surrender of ego." An even simpler expression of extinguishing the ego is shared by William Gurnall: "Humility is a necessary veil to all other graces." Or, in the words of Samuel Richardson: "The grace that makes every grace amiable is humility." Richards embellishes this thought, with the observation, "Humility is a grace that shines in a high condition but cannot, equally, in a low one because a person in the latter is already, perhaps, too much humbled. "
It is no mere coincidence that one of the notable (and perhaps noble) attributes of a good leader is the virtue of humility. And, although we don't often hear the use of the term/concept of "grace" in regards to leadership, it is hoped that by this point the reader has already deduced that grace is a quality sorely needed in a leader. As in any other life situation, grace as it applies to the leadership role can be manifested, and expressed in may ways. Walter Lippmann weaves the virtue of grace into the leadership paradigm stating, "The genius of a good leader is to leave behind him a situation which common sense, without the grace of genius, can deal with successfully." Max de Pree believes that grace as a leadership quality/attribute can be gauged by the response of the followers. He notes, "The signs of outstanding leadership appear primarily among the followers. Are the followers reaching their potential? Are they learning? Serving? Do they achieve the required results? Do they change with grace? Manage conflict?"
Let's not forget that within all of us is the potential - and sometimes the obligation - to assume the role of leadership. Therefore, acknowledging our need for humility is inherent to our success in such a role when, and if, called upon to do so. Ideally, we can become that person Aristotle talked about when he said, "The ideal [man] bears the accidents of life with dignity and grace, making the best of circumstances."
Finally, a few thoughts on how grace plays into the lives of children and families seems in order before closing this entry. Naturally, grace displayed and modeled by the adults in children's lives not only improves the quality of their immediate environment, but also guides them toward an adult life rich in grace. Remembering that a child's parents are his/her primary teachers, they, therefore, play a big role in the teaching and transference of grace to the child. This often requires that the parents do little more that demonstrate humility in their acceptance of change in the family dynamic as the children grow and develop, and mature in their family role. As exemplified in the words of Christopher Lasch, "Parents accept their obsolescence with the best grace they can muster. . . they do all they can to make it easy for the younger generation to surpass the older, while secretly dreading the rejection that follows." In less traumatic, emotional, life situations we can pass on grace to our children by enriching their minds with healthy, and character building, knowledge and ideas. Walter Scott expresses this thought when he suggests, "Teach your children poetry; it opens the mind, lends grace to wisdom and makes the heroic virtues hereditary." Perhaps one can argue against Scott's commissioning of poetry as being of such great value in the development of children, but, hopefully, not against the qualities Scott believes poetry imparts to the child.
In the end, each of us has to determine the value of grace in our lives. Personally, I share in the vision of the late John F. Kennedy: "I look forward to an America which will not be afraid of grace and beauty,..." That is truly one of my dreams. I hope some, or all of you share in that dream, and are willing to help our children share in the rewards of that dream, as well.
Seeking a productive response to the current atmosphere of political and sociological rhetoric about American values and ideals, perhaps we would do well to examine our own ideals and beliefs, and compare/contrast them to what others are crediting to our account. Although the focus of the posts on this blog is especially aimed at child-related issues, the concept can be broadened to include any beliefs and/or ideals we individually, and collectively, hold as sacrosanct. A constant theme presented in this site's entries deals with the values we honor as being important to the fulfillment of our lives as individuals, and as part of a greater community. Let's challenge ourselves during this time of open criticism, accusation, and skepticism, to journey back to our own "center," determine what is worth standing up for, and commit our individual and combined energies and resources to truly making a difference in our homes, communities, nation, and world at large. Doing so, we will be working to ensure a safer and more secure world in which our children can grow and prosper.
"Each time a man stands up for an ideal, or acts to improve the lot of other, or strikes out against injustice, he sends forth a tiny ripple of hope... and crossing each other from a million different centers of energy and daring those ripples to build a current that can sweep down the mightiest walls of oppression and resistance." ~Robert Kennedy
"Here's to the crazy ones, the misfits, the rebels, the troublemakers, the round heads in the square holes, the ones who see things differently. They're not fond of rules, You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them. But the only thing you can't do is ignore them, because they change things. They push the human race forward. And while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius, because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do." ~Apple Computer Advertisement
"As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." ~Nelson Mandela
An acquaintence recently shared a beautiful poem with me titled "Daddy's Poem," written by Cheryl Costello-Forshey. I would like to share it with you as a tribute to the children, and other family members, of our fallen soldiers. We frequently use the cliche "they gave their all" when speaking of soldiers who have lost their lives while serving their country. Much less frequently we acknowledge the magnitude, and effect, of loss to the families of the deceased, especially the children. Life for them may indeed go on, but there will always be a very important part that is never completely healed or replaced. I am very proud of our service men and women who "risk their all" for my welfare. I honor those who have lost their lives in the service of our country. There is no way I can truly repay them for their sacrifice. Though it be poor compensation, I do wish to thank their families, and hope that as a nation we come to truly appreciate the sacrifice of all military families, especially those who have lost loved ones. I especially hope that we make a special effort to ensure that the children of our fallen comrades will be cared for and supported in their absence.
I invite you to click the play button on the music video below and thoughtfully read the poem. I hope it will inspire you as it did me. Thank you in advance for taking the time to do so.
The topic of "objectifying children" is one that can be visited, and revisited, many times over. Most of us are guilty in our actions, and/or language, of addressing children as objects, rather than as beings. Be it intentional or unintentional, it would serve us well to stop and reflect on the the possible effect that such miscarriages of thought and behavior might have on the present and future well-being of the child.
"The worst attitude of all would be the professional attitude
which regards children in the lump as a sort of raw material
which we have to handle."
~On Three Ways of Writing for Children
As a first year teacher I quickly came to realize how important it was to recognize the identity of the child in personalized terms, i.e., most children take exception to being addressed in terms that attack their dignity and self-respect. A perfect example of this is addressing the child by their given name rather than an impersonal format such as "hey you."
Perhaps our objectifying of children, both intentional and unintentional, is a result of our tendency to distance ourselves from another person - in this case the child - for one of many reasons (e.g. concern about being accused of inappropriateness of interaction with children). Self-preservation is a powerful motive, but some of the ripples it creates can be damaging both to self and others. Humans are social creatures by nature, and actions that separate or distance us from others cannot help impacting our humanity if some way.
"Children are sponges.
They absorb every wordthat comes out of your mouth.
They mimic your body language and they emulate your behavior."
~Nanny 911
As a school administrator I had the opportunity to interview, and enter into conversation with, many aspiring teachers and paraprofessionals. Very often in those conversations the individual being interviewed would refer to children as "sponges" absorbing what was being taught. From such a perspective it would be wise to remember that they would also be absorbing everything else that was going on within their environment!
"As one young teacher I know put it,
"You feel like you should be seeing light bulbs
going off in kids' heads every day...."
~The New Teacher Book
The "light bulb" cliche is another of those colloquial quips that appears positive and personal on the surface, but under closer examination is a form of depersonalization of a very important human interaction taking place between teacher and student. Would it not be more personalized, and more accurately descriptive, if one were to replace "light bulbs going off" with "recognizing expressions of understanding," or some such statement?
In closing, there will undoubtedly be a number of readers who will scoff at the comments above and consider such a concern as expressed herein to be trite and insignificant, if not downright absurd. Perhaps the reader drawing such a conclusion would be justified in his/her conclusion. However, before totally disparaging the concern regarding the objectification of our children, or anyone else for that matter, please take a moment to consider how often you and I are objectified ourselves on a daily basis. Keeping a "chit sheet" of our own, or other's, words and actions that depersonalize an event or conversation with another person for a day of two might be found to be quiet revealing. Improvement accompanies understanding. Understanding accompanies assessment. Assessment is accompanied by self-examination. Self-examination is the route to self-improvement.
What Kind of Future Do You Imagine for Our Children?
Today's entry is in response to a feeling of great exasperation resulting from watching the world attempting to bludgeon itself into submission in the name of peace, collaboration/cooperation, community, or one of a million causes.
I am sincerely concerned about the future our children and young people are destined to inherit from the adult generation. I believe they deserve the very best we can leave them. One that is worth inheriting! How about you?
At times like these, the thoughts expressed in the song Imagine by John Lennon seem most appropriate.
On the 39th anniversary of Roe v. Wade, the philosophical and legal controversy continues among the people of the United States. Realizing a common ground regarding the issues related to Roe v. Wade may, or may not, become a reality, at least in the foreseeable future. However, speaking as a child advocate, I sincerely hope that we as a people can come to agreement on the miraculousness nature of childbirth and childhood. Wherever you stand on the Roe v. Wade decision, I hope that we are of one voice regarding the unequivocal nature and value of all life, especially that of a child.
"The child must know that he is a miracle,
that since the beginning of the world there hasn’t been,
and until the end of the world there will not be,
another child like him."
~Pablo Casals
Thy life is a miracle!
~King Lear
When A Child Is Born
A ray of hope flickers through the sky,
A tiny star lights up, way up high.
All across the land dawns a brand new morn’.
This comes to pass, when a child is born.
A silent wish sails the seven seas.
The winds of change whisper in the trees,
And the walls of doubt crumble fast and torn.
This comes to pass, when a child is born.
A rosy hue settles all around.
You’ve got the feel you’re on solid ground.
For a spell or two no-one seems forlorn.
This comes to pass, when a child is born.
And all this happens, because the world is waiting,
Waiting for one child; black, white, yellow? No-one knows.
But a child that’ll grow up and change tears to laughter,
Hate to love, war to peace and everyone to everyone’s neighbour
”There is no trust more sacred than the one the world holds with children.There is no duty more important than ensuring that their rights are respected, that their welfare is protected, that their lives are free from fear and want and that they can grow in peace.” ~Kofi Annan
As the the 7th Secretary General of the United Nations, Kofi Annan had many opportunities to see firsthand children living in a multitude of environments around the world. He also realized that many, if not most, of the decisions we make in the various political and social arenas ultimately impact the lives of children. One cannot help but question our ability as adult decision-makers to do the "right thing" in behalf of our children to ensure that their future is safe and secure?
"If we don't stand up for children, then we don't stand for much."
-- Marian Wright Edelman
Marian Wright Edelman is a distinguished child rights advocate that has been a perennial voice for children for many years. She has been a strong advocate for minority children, especially African-American children. More importantly though is her recognition, as it should be everyone's, that where we stand on children's issues says a great deal about who and what we are as adults.
"It's up to each of us to help create a better world for our children."
-- Dr. Benjamin Spock
Those of us old enough to have lived, and/or grown up, during the "Dr. Spock era" remember that Dr. Spock's philosophies regarding child rearing gathered in a great number of followers, and, similarly, fostered a large cadre of scoffers and critics. However, can we as a species, as a society, as a nation, or as a world deny the validity of the quote above which is attributed to Dr. Spock?
As individuals, we frequently feel that our efforts to work toward a better, more peace-filled, world are futile, and that the vast majority of people are hellbent on destroying, rather than improving, our world. Certainly, there is more than ample evidence to support such a sense of hopelessness, but for the sake of our children, if not for ourselves, we must not give up on our efforts to make a positive difference in our homes, communities, and the world. "Carol Bellamy reminds us, "...in serving the best interests of children, we serve the best interests of all humanity."
